First

It's been several weeks since I last posted anything on here. I was waiting for something new to happen. Now there has.

The news?

I've been in my first relationship ever. It only lasted ten days (including a test week at school), but that's not the point. The relationship itself isn't even really important here. I've known the girl for a while, and we were pretty good friends, and so we tried to take it a little step further. However, since neither of us actually felt 'love', she saw no point in continuing this. I myself have no problem with a loveless relationship, as I don't think teenagers are responsible enough to handle a commitment like 'loving somebody' in the first place, but I seem to be alone with that opinion. I agreed to the 'break-up'. Nobody should be with someone else if they're not completely comfortable with the situation. If a girl is looking for 'love', I'm probably not the right guy for her now.

I'm still very happy that this "bf/gf" thingy happened though. Why? Two reasons (one shallow, one self-involved)

1. For about a week, I've been able to kiss the lips of what I consider a beautiful girl.
2. I now know that girls can be attracted to me, and that I don't have to be alone.

The first reason is pretty obvious, for every breathing heterosexual male would like to kiss beautiful girls. No further explanation needed. My other reason is just my newest ego-boost. I don't have to worry about finding the 'right' girl, before I can get into a relationship. I can have a lot of fun before even thinking about reaching that stage (which is definitely what I prefer). This little, and for some people, obvious fact might let me be a little less shy around girls, because I know that I can be attractive to some of them anyway. Also, I can have relationships with girls, without worrying about love, and without getting hurt when breaking up. (and yeah, that's a positive thing).

Some people say "you say this now, but when you find love, just the thought of breaking up will make you want to cry". Well, that's exactly the reason I don't want to find love now. I want to experience more in life, before sticking to that 'one person'. I want to experience more people.

If you disagree, please comment, I'd like to hear from whoever reads this shit.

yours sincerely,

Daniel (a.k.a Tigga, Tiggy, Tigga nigga, Tigga love, Mr. Tigglywinkles, Benji and Youtube)

HEY!! I feel Good

I'm feeling surprisingly happy lately. I don't know why. Nothing in my life that I can think off is something you can call a 'joybringer'. I am trying to improve the overall quality of 'me' though. For instance, I've started to do my 'exercizes' more often and I have lost a little weight doing so :)

Also, I occasionally play soccer these days. This is not just beneficial to my overall health, but it's also a chance for me to see my friends after school (which is nice, because I don't see them a lot during school anymore, since I got held back a year). It is also convenient that I have become quite fond of the sport itself.

Maybe it's the sun that has changed my mood. God knows when the last time was that I could walk outside without a coat on. Even though I have my hay fever to worry about, I still prefer the sun over the typical Dutch cold weather. It's probably the most obvious cause for me being (relatively) happy. There is still plenty in my life that could change for the better, but this new mood of mine can help me be patient.

HEY!!

Milestone

Lately, I have been working on something important to me. Not homework, not even girls. All the effort that I was able to put into something was put into this:  Liking my singing voice.

Instead of trying to develop my singing voice to what others might like, I've been working hard to appreciate my own voice, in order to give myself a little ego-boost. One of the things I have learned from watching all the stand-up comedians making their jokes, is that 'self-esteem' is one's appreciation of him/herself. Katt Williams was the one who brought that up. I shouldn't have to wait for other people's approval in order to start liking parts of 'me'. I am who I am, and I will be who I am for the rest of my life. The best thing to do, is to be glad about the good things in me and to stop constantly doubting myself. 

This doesn't mean that I will be performing any time soon. I'm going to quote a good friend of mine here.

"The world isn't ready for a voice like mine".

For now, I will be the only one who wants to hear me sing, and I'm fine with that. Maybe later on, people will want to hear a voice like mine. Certain things just take a while. I'm sure that the talent in the video below hasn't always been appreciated either.

...

My thoughts... they're gone.

My head... is empty.

My mind.... is clear.

Am I tired? Am i stupid? Am I done?

Have I reached some state of 'zen', which disables me from thinking about anything whatsoever?

My days are boring and filled with trivial activities, that I could easily do without. I could stare at a wall for over an hour, and waste the same amount of time that I normally do looking at internet sites. Neither of those require any effort on my part, seen as my brain just stops working as soon as I plug in my laptop. Even writing this is nothing more than a time-filler for me, as I cannot concentrate on my economics, and I needed to find something to distract me.

There are two extremes (in my eyes). On one side, there are people with rich lifes. After a day of school, they do sports, work or practise some form of art. In the weekends, they go out and enjoy themselves. They're hardly ever bored and always seem to find something to do. On the other side, there's me; the laziest bastard I can think off. A life that consists out of relaxation, procrastination and power naps can only be labelled 'poor'.

I need to do something, but that's where the lack of motivation comes in. It used to be so much easier. "Hey Daniel, you have to go to your gymnastics training", "Daniel, it's time for you to go to work" and "Daniel, we're going to play soccer outside, come with us". I just followed instructions. Now, I'm supposed to make the instructions. I don't know if I can. I hope I'll learn.

Thank you, you sneaky bastard

During a few of my more recent guitar lessons, my teach has apparently whipped out his new audio recorder, and has taped several parts of my lessons. I didn't know that untill he handed me a cd with three songs on it, played and sung by me. I reacted a little surprised (obviously), but accepted the cd, since I saw it as an opportunity to improve whatever I played on this cd.

There were three songs. The first was a little melody I thought up myself, but it's very easy and not even remotely challenging, so I still have to work on that a lot. The second one is the song 'skin and bones', which I didn't finish playing, since I forgot the lyrics halfway through. If I had known I would be recorded, I would've studied the lyrics beforehand, but oh well. The song is at the bottom of this entry, for anyone who cares (and yes i do know what I sound like, so please don't critisize me if it isn't 'constructive'). The third song is actually my favourite. It's 'chasing cars' and I actually liked the way I sounded while doing that. The only problem with it (which is also the reason that I won't put it up here) is that my teach decided to adjust the volume of his recorder an annoying amount of times, throughout the whole song. That pretty much ruined it for me.

So what can I do with these recordings?

I'll listen to them a lot, hoping that I can spot exactly what parts I have to improve on. Also, the recording of my own little melody will help me think of new elements to put in the song (along with other instruments). I'm just not sure that I'm disciplined enough to put all that work into it though. Oh well, we'll see.

lyrical wordsmith.... not

I feel like I have enough to say, but every time I write it down, it looks like shit to me. The other day I was once again inspired by a song to write some of my own lyrics to it. It was '93 till infinity' by the Souls of Mischief. I wanted to write more, but when I looked back at what I had already written down, I just gave up...
Anyway, here are the lyrics (just one verse though, and it's probably not a good idea to read it if you're not into hip hop at all).

A new path is made

I’m weighing my options

I’m not getting paid

I remain very cautious

I don’t want to lose

The little that I have

And I simply refuse

To leave without a laugh

That means a smile on my face

As I walk out the door

Even though I know my place

I know that I deserve more

That’s for me to find out

And for you to decide.

I don’t need support,

I’m motivated by my pride.

I got that hunger inside

To go places beyond my reach

I tell ‘em they can succeed

And I practise what I preach.

I am the student and the teach.

That means I learn from myself

And in time that’ll teach me

To enlarge my wealth

You just take your time

To discover who I am

I’ll just chill for a while

Which has always been my plan

Never worked hard

I’m as spoiled as a prince

Was born in 93

Been chillin’ ever since.

It’s a lifestyle

That I must prolong

Cause every other way of living just

Feels so wrong

Best homies in the world

Poker nights and all

Pouring out our liquor

Afterwards we ball

Man I have it all,

And yet I want more

The big things in life

Are what I adore

And stressing over lil things

Over my dead body

Gonna kick it with me crew

Like we doing karate

That's all folks...

Who the man? You the man!

When does a person achieve succes? When they have money? When they have friends? When they have a family? What's my goal supposed to be? All three?

I don't think it's possible for me to achieve all three. Money is not a big deal to me anyway. Sure, it's nice to be able to afford extra's in life, but I can be quite satisfied without some of my luxuries. The only material possesions I couldn't see myself living without are:
*My laptop (half of my life is on that hard disk).
*My accoustic guitar (my only companion in lonely times).
*My watch (only item I own that holds emtional value).

Anything else is placed under the category 'Luxury'. I don't even need a bed. I've lost count of how many nights I have spent sleepin on my floor, using a hoodie as a pillow.

When it comes to friends, I would consider myself a succesful man. I've managed to gain plenty of friends these last few years, even in places where I wouldn't expect to find any. My only wish is that when all my friends start living their own seperate lives, I won't lose track of too many of them, and that for every friend I do end up losing, I gain two more.

I'm not old enough to start a family (logical shit). However, I want a large family when I'm ready for it. Irresponsibly large even. I want to have at least five children (preferably more). There are currently three reasons for that.
1. I want to spread my family name as much as I can.
2. I want to start a new mixture of races with my children (I myself carry caucasian, african and indian in me).
3. I want to share an unconditional love with as many people as I can.

Will living poorly, with a lot of friends and children make others consider me a succesful man? That's highly unlikely. Still, I wouldn't know what else to wish for in life, so this is basically what I'm going for.

Wish me luck...