accomplishments

What has been my greatest accomplishment so far?

Granted, this question would be better suited for a person in his or her mid-thirties, as they have had more time to actually achieve things. However, I will still try to think of an adequate answer, by exploring all of my past activities. Just to make it a tad more structured, I will first list my activities, after which I will dedicate a short paragraph to each activity (except for choir) in order to find out if I have any achievements at all. Lets start with the list (by the way, s.i.p. stands for still in progress):

Activity	Age	Notes
Gymnastics	6-14	Physically, my best years
Choir	6-7	Can’t remember this activity
Acoustic Guitar	7-17 s.i.p.	Should’ve practised more
Stockboy job	15-16	Boring
Electric Guitar	15-17 s.i.p.	Finally, something interesting
School	4-17 s.i.p.	Zzzzz!

For nearly eight years I was allowed to call myself a gymnast. Of course I wasn’t great, but I was able to perform some mediocre tricks and stunts, such as handstands, cartwheels and  various flips. In total, I have won 14 gold medals, 7 silver medals, 8 bronze medals, 3 trophies and a runner-up trophy. I was particularly good at floor exercises, which were responsible for about 6 gold medals. The exercises that usually got the best of me took place in the still rings. I was a fairly strong child, but not strong enough to keep on carrying the weight of my gut for a long period. My most treasured gymnastics performance was probably when I first entered a competition. I was eight years old (at most) and my sports club had a gymnastics competition. Of course there are age classes, but there was also a trophy reserved for the person with the highest score. I beat everyone in my age class, and then proceeded to win the trophy as well. At the time, I didn’t take into account that it’s more difficult for older boys to get high scores, but it was definitely an enjoyable occasion.

My acoustic guitar lessons and the guitar itself have cost my parents a small fortune over time. They didn’t mind because they seemed to enjoy my performances. That’s what parents do, isn’t it? They support you in everything you do, as long as they think it will help you grow as a decent human being. Any step in the good direction makes them proud as hell. I was never really good, but I practised and worked hard to become a mediocre guitarist. I can play some nice tunes, like ‘Hey there Delilah’ and ‘Dust in the wind’, which are songs I wouldn’t actually listen to normally. I have had multiple performances with my acoustic guitar. I have had solo’s, duets with other guitars, quartets with other guitars, duets with violins, etc. However, the performance of which I am most proud is the one where I play and sing ‘Tears in heaven’ together with another guy my age. Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t great singers, but it felt so good to have our crowd (consisting of parents and their young children) listen to us, oh so carefully, and to receive such positive feedback afterwards.

My job as a stock boy at the local Albert Heijn wasn’t an exciting occupation. I had worked there for a year and a half before I decided I didn’t need the money anymore (on a another note, I’m completely broke right now). There was not an overflow of accomplishments in this area, but what I am proud of is the fact that I was able to push a shitload of shopping carts over the icy outside ground in January, for about three weeks, without slipping, which is something my co-workers couldn't do. That’s the reason I was stuck with that chore for three weeks, but it still felt a little good.

I haven’t been playing electric guitar for a long time, so I haven’t really been able to experiment with different styles, in order to see what I prefer. Right now, I’m really into power chords, but I feel that it could become less exciting over time. So basically, I just learn the songs that the band I recently joined tells me to play. Right now, a few good ones are ‘Scar tissue’, ‘kryptonite’ and ‘use somebody’. By myself, I usually stick to ‘Sum 41’ songs. The biggest accomplishment so far is very recent. The band has just had an audition for an open stage night at our school. This doesn’t seem like much, but I’m pretty excited about it. It’ll be a chance for me to show people that I can actually do something. That is, of course, only if I don’t screw it up.

School has been the place where ordinary children get their best achievements. I, however, have only one achievement worth mentioning. In my third year of high school, my whole class had to take an English exam. We were told that this exam was pretty tough, and that we had to study our asses of for it. Of course I didn’t study for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel like it (which is usually the case). I just felt like it was unnecessary. There were two levels to the ‘Cambridge Exams’. The easy one was ‘First Certificate’, which was the one half the class took. The other half, including me, wanted to try the harder one, the ‘Cambridge Advanced Exams’. Actually, there was a higher level, but our teachers didn’t allow anyone to take it. We had to wait till our fourth year, before we got our scores back. There were two people who had received an ‘A’ for their ‘CAE’. I was one of them. Even though this test will never help me in life, I do feel that I have proven myself by taking it.

After re-reading all of this, I think that I can determine what my greatest accomplishment is. It has been the performance of ‘Tears in heaven’. I value this so much because I have actually confronted one of my fears during this performance, which is singing in front of a crowd. I’m not sure if I could (or should) ever do this without holding my guitar though. Not only has this performance given me a little self-confidence, it has also made me more interested in obtaining a career in the music industry. This is why this performance was such a life-changing and great achievement.

Am I Happy?

This question consists of only three words, yet the answer requires an unbelievable amount of thought. For instance, I have to define the meaning of ‘happy’. Does it mean that I’m merely satisfied/positive at this very moment in time, or does it mean that I’m so grateful for everything I have that I wish that nothing else would change around me, because it wouldn’t be able to get better. I decided to look the meaning of the word ‘happy’ up in my little Oxford Dictionary:

Happy /’hӕpi/ adj (-ier, -iest)

1 feeling, giving or expressing pleasure; pleased: I’m very ~ for you. ◊ a ~ marriage ◊ a ~ smile

2 used in greetings to express good wishes: H~ birthday!

3 satisfied that something is good or right; not anxious

4 willing or pleased to do something

Lets start dealing with the first meaning. Basically it questions whether or not I feel, give or express happiness. I’m utterly confused by the concept of feelings, so I’ll move on to the giving and expressing. Whenever I see something good happen to another I usually feel sincere happiness for them, and I try to mention it to the people themselves. I think this is what is meant by giving happiness. Of course I do get jealous often enough. For instance, I like seeing people get into relationships, but it makes me realize that I have never been in a relationship myself. Therefore, I’m happy for something I haven’t experienced myself, which has the effect of making me jealous. Also, I try to express happiness in everyday social habitats such as school, but this seems to tire me and has the effect of making me less happy by the minute. Besides with the four people I sincerely like hanging out with, I have to fake a smile approximately seven hours each workday, which is the time I spend at school.

The second meaning of the word has nothing to do with anything personal, so I’ll just ignore that one. The third meaning is worth discussing though. Am I satisfied that things are good and right? I don’t think so. Sure, everything in my life could be a lot worse. I could have had no education, no friends, no money and no looks. Instead, I have an extra year of education (which is going to make it a total 15 years), a few real friends (who I have to separate from the people who secretly dislike me), a small amount of money (which can’t be more than thirty euro’s by now) and I’m pretty sure I’m not ugly (even though the only people who will confirm that are sympathetic women and my mom). As you might’ve noticed, things could be better.

The fourth meaning of the word refers to your willingness to do a particular something. As I am generally not eager to do anything at all, I can easily state that this meaning of the word does not describe me.

In conclusion:

I have learned that I am not happy. However, I know I’m not sad and I often despise the people who are depressed at this age for no good reason. That leaves me with this last question about my emotional state:

What am I?

Primarily, I’m just confused.

Questions

Hello again!

I figured that the easiest way to start writing, is by asking myself questions and answering them in the following paragraphs. After trying to find the right questions to answer I discovered that I wasn’t able to formulate any type of question that would give me enough writing material. My undeveloped mind is even too simple for an easy task like this (I guess becoming a journalist is out of the question then). Anyway, there is a simple solution for this problem. I’ve decided to ask my friends (and later on probably others) if they know any difficult questions which would allow me to actually explore my own mind and my current issues (not that there are many). So far, I have asked a few friends to help me out. They came up with the following questions:

Am I happy?

What has been  my greatest accomplishment so far?

What have I been avoiding in life?

What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

How do I treat others?

What have I done with my life so far?

What do I want?

What personal qualities do I appreciate in myself and others?

My plan for this diary is to answer one of these questions a day (continuously adding new questions to my list). My first question, however, is not listed above.

What do I wish to accomplish by doing this?            

As I have mentioned in my introduction, I wish to gain inspiration from this. Not necessarily just for writing music. I feel like this is an efficient way to get to know myself better. By doing this I hope to learn what I want from life, what I’m doing wrong at the moment, and if I have any chance of getting a desirable future. With all the things I learn about myself I not only hope to understand myself, but the human mind in general. What sparks a person’s creativity, and sets them apart from the rest? How would others experience the situations I have been in and would they (re)act the same way? These are mainly psychological questions, but that is one of my (declining amount of) interests. Furthermore, I wish this’ll help me gain inspiration on what to do with the rest of my life, as I have no clue what will become of me after my time at school.

This is me!

Hello there!

I feel like I can have enjoyable and productive one-way conversations with you. First I shall introduce myself, because I so rarely get to do that properly.

My name is Daniël Tiggelovend. The two dots on the ‘e’ in ‘Daniël’ indicate that my name is officially pronounced in the Dutch way. However, the people who know me well, who there are very few of, know that I prefer the English pronunciation, as I speak English for the majority of the time. I’m thinking about changing my registered name when I turn eighteen, by removing the dots from the ‘e’. Then I might have a chance of seeming less Dutch. As you might have guessed by now, I live in Holland (born and raised). The only reason for me speaking English all the time is because I was taught English by my mother before I entered my Dutch primary school. She did this because she was raised British herself (even though she was born in Jamaica). This means I am entitled to say I am half Jamaican, without being able to even fake the Jamaican accent. I’m black, but light skinned, due to my white Dutch father. I haven’t encountered any forms of racism over the years that made me particularly angry. People sometimes make stupid jokes, but that just makes me laugh at their ignorance.

My childhood wasn’t hard at all, but it was very vague, because I couldn’t understand anyone around me until I learned how to speak Dutch properly. Because I was young, I picked up the language quickly. My Dutch skills were adequate by the time I was eight. I did still have troubles with grammar, but that changed for the better in the following years.

At the moment I am seventeen years old, which (in Holland) is enough to drink beer, but not to drive a car. I don’t mind that, because I have nowhere to go right now anyway. Over the years, I have picked up two hobby’s. Neither of them have ever proven to be productive or even special.

My first hobby is one that 5 out of 10 people share: playing the guitar. I used to play Spanish melodies on my acoustic guitar, but since two years ago, I have developed an interest in playing rock tunes on my (borrowed) green electric guitar, Jade (whose name is obviously derived from its colour). So far, my amateurish skills have landed me a 2^nd guitar position in a high school cover band. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy playing with them and I think we sound pretty good. I’m just very pessimistic about getting anywhere with this, and I doubt that the other people in the band even want to continue playing after high school. Nevertheless, I will keep on smiling and nodding when they tell me to learn another depressing song so that we can rehearse for the once-a-year performance in school, which is basically a talent show without any form of competition.

My second hobby is sure to get me nowhere, let alone impress anybody but myself: singing along with my favourite songs behind my computer. I know that sounds like something you just do when you’re bored, or working on a project, or even just relaxing. Yet, I can spend hours at school, waiting to go home, put on some Motown, Soul and R&B and sing my lungs out. I spend hours doing it, all the while neglecting homework, household chores and of course, my social contacts. There is only one problem; I can’t sing! Even though it’s a major problem, I manage to overcome it by turning up the volume to a level, at which it is impossible to even hear my own voice. I have tried to flaunt my “vocal skills” in front of my friends. The friends who actually regularly perform on stage, mostly dancing and singing, are sympathetic enough not to break my spirit. However, the honest and serious friends are happy to confirm that my singing voice is not ready for an audience yet.

I don’t have much else going for me these days. I don’t do any sports and I don’t have a job. I used to do gymnastics, but soon after I discovered my love for food, I got to heavy for my wrists and had to quit. However, I have managed to get myself into physical state that is regarded by others as ‘not fat’ rather than ‘pudgy’. I also used to have a job at the local Albert Heijn, but I got bored of stocking shelves after a year and a half. After that, I’ve been gradually getting more and more broke. I now completely rely on my parents to get me food and booze, instead of being able to cope without them.

So why am I writing this, even though nobody will probably read it, unless I tell them to? I guess I’m searching for inspiration to write songs. I’m thinking of making that my third hobby. I’ll probably give anything that has to do with music a try before I reach my full-time-job age. That includes mixing music, a second instrument, and also rapping (even though I already know I suck at that). Anything that doesn’t have to do with music (and in most cases, comedy), will most probably not catch my interest at all. So, without possessing any sort of musical talent, I can say with some certainty, that I’m looking at a boring life full of crushed dreams.