Am I Happy?

This question consists of only three words, yet the answer requires an unbelievable amount of thought. For instance, I have to define the meaning of ‘happy’. Does it mean that I’m merely satisfied/positive at this very moment in time, or does it mean that I’m so grateful for everything I have that I wish that nothing else would change around me, because it wouldn’t be able to get better. I decided to look the meaning of the word ‘happy’ up in my little Oxford Dictionary:

Happy /’hӕpi/ adj (-ier, -iest)

1 feeling, giving or expressing pleasure; pleased: I’m very ~ for you. ◊ a ~ marriage ◊ a ~ smile

2 used in greetings to express good wishes: H~ birthday!

3 satisfied that something is good or right; not anxious

4 willing or pleased to do something

Lets start dealing with the first meaning. Basically it questions whether or not I feel, give or express happiness. I’m utterly confused by the concept of feelings, so I’ll move on to the giving and expressing. Whenever I see something good happen to another I usually feel sincere happiness for them, and I try to mention it to the people themselves. I think this is what is meant by giving happiness. Of course I do get jealous often enough. For instance, I like seeing people get into relationships, but it makes me realize that I have never been in a relationship myself. Therefore, I’m happy for something I haven’t experienced myself, which has the effect of making me jealous. Also, I try to express happiness in everyday social habitats such as school, but this seems to tire me and has the effect of making me less happy by the minute. Besides with the four people I sincerely like hanging out with, I have to fake a smile approximately seven hours each workday, which is the time I spend at school.

The second meaning of the word has nothing to do with anything personal, so I’ll just ignore that one. The third meaning is worth discussing though. Am I satisfied that things are good and right? I don’t think so. Sure, everything in my life could be a lot worse. I could have had no education, no friends, no money and no looks. Instead, I have an extra year of education (which is going to make it a total 15 years), a few real friends (who I have to separate from the people who secretly dislike me), a small amount of money (which can’t be more than thirty euro’s by now) and I’m pretty sure I’m not ugly (even though the only people who will confirm that are sympathetic women and my mom). As you might’ve noticed, things could be better.

The fourth meaning of the word refers to your willingness to do a particular something. As I am generally not eager to do anything at all, I can easily state that this meaning of the word does not describe me.

In conclusion:

I have learned that I am not happy. However, I know I’m not sad and I often despise the people who are depressed at this age for no good reason. That leaves me with this last question about my emotional state:

What am I?

Primarily, I’m just confused.