The Third Time

This is the third time.
The third time I told myself "I might be able to fall in love".
The third time I created hope for myself.
The third time I reached a girl's heart (or at least attempted to).
The third time I let a girl believe that she should have strong feelings for me, even though I've subconsciously forged these feelings myself.
The third time things didn't work out like I hoped.
The third time I completely failed to understand the female mind.
The third time I was surprised by how quickly I was able to move on.
The third I realized how much of an asshole I must have been for making it seem like they meant more to me than they really did.
And even though my brain is only capable of putting things in perspective after they're done, this is the third time I've really disliked myself for it.

This is, however, the first time I feel like it's necessary to take the time to apologize for my behavior. To apologize for my mistakes and flaws. Each one of you is wonderful and deserves someone whose love is true (and each one of you is smart enough to know that).

My fourth time will probably still come in the future. I feel like it's inevitable. Hopefully, my mind won't play these tricks on me again, because I'd like to treat the next girl that I'm with, with sincerity.

Guess who's back...

Well, It's been a month since I said goodbye to blogger.... and yet it seems like such a waste to just leave this. It's my own place on the internet, where nobody's  thoughts and opinions but mine have to matter. It's my way of telling people things about me, without having to tell them, keeping me safe from confrontations, awkward situations and outspoken judgment. Why would I give that up?

I'll probably only turn to this blog in times of boredom, and I know that besides myself and maybe two of my friends, no one will read this, but that doesn't matter. The reason for me blogging is not because of its 'popularity', but because I can share my feelings, without facing consequences during everyday life.

So has anything new happened this month? 

Erhm... well... I lost my girlfriend, gained some weight and I'm doing more weed. Not the best list I suppose, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm enjoying life, and I'm living it just the way I like it. (Until school starts back of course).

I had an excellent holiday in America. I didn't do shit, but I just loved being there. The food was delicious, the entertainment (TV and bootleg DVDs) was more than adequate and the company (my beloved family) was great. I just wish I could drink over there. A nice beer would've made the Texan heatwave more bearable.

Anyway, I'm starting to write too much now (according to me, and only me). So I'll leave you with 3 songs that I can only hesitantly say are my favorites (since I haven't taken every song in history into account). I'm not linking the video's to the songs, because I feel you should know them by now. If you don't know them, it's not necessarily your fault, but it damn sure is a shame.

1. John Legend      -      So High
2. Jamie Foxx        -      Heaven
3. Stevie Wonder   -      My Cherie Amour

I think I'm done

Well, blogger seems to have lost its popularity, hasn't it. I hate to admit it, but it appeared to be a little trend, which I have followed, up to the point that I was trying to be different, just like everybody else (haha @ irony). However, I'd like to think that the reason I stopped blogging, is that my life seems to be a lot better now. I've slimmed down, I have a girlfriend (one that I truly want to be with this time) and my grades in school are better than ever. I don't really have any complaints left, which was probably my inspiration for blogging in the first place. My life has changed for the better, and I think that the blogging did help me doing so (for instance, it's how I met my current gf).

So for what it's worth, Thank you blogger!

And here's a little song that I love (for the heck of it)

First

It's been several weeks since I last posted anything on here. I was waiting for something new to happen. Now there has.

The news?

I've been in my first relationship ever. It only lasted ten days (including a test week at school), but that's not the point. The relationship itself isn't even really important here. I've known the girl for a while, and we were pretty good friends, and so we tried to take it a little step further. However, since neither of us actually felt 'love', she saw no point in continuing this. I myself have no problem with a loveless relationship, as I don't think teenagers are responsible enough to handle a commitment like 'loving somebody' in the first place, but I seem to be alone with that opinion. I agreed to the 'break-up'. Nobody should be with someone else if they're not completely comfortable with the situation. If a girl is looking for 'love', I'm probably not the right guy for her now.

I'm still very happy that this "bf/gf" thingy happened though. Why? Two reasons (one shallow, one self-involved)

1. For about a week, I've been able to kiss the lips of what I consider a beautiful girl.
2. I now know that girls can be attracted to me, and that I don't have to be alone.

The first reason is pretty obvious, for every breathing heterosexual male would like to kiss beautiful girls. No further explanation needed. My other reason is just my newest ego-boost. I don't have to worry about finding the 'right' girl, before I can get into a relationship. I can have a lot of fun before even thinking about reaching that stage (which is definitely what I prefer). This little, and for some people, obvious fact might let me be a little less shy around girls, because I know that I can be attractive to some of them anyway. Also, I can have relationships with girls, without worrying about love, and without getting hurt when breaking up. (and yeah, that's a positive thing).

Some people say "you say this now, but when you find love, just the thought of breaking up will make you want to cry". Well, that's exactly the reason I don't want to find love now. I want to experience more in life, before sticking to that 'one person'. I want to experience more people.

If you disagree, please comment, I'd like to hear from whoever reads this shit.

yours sincerely,

Daniel (a.k.a Tigga, Tiggy, Tigga nigga, Tigga love, Mr. Tigglywinkles, Benji and Youtube)

HEY!! I feel Good

I'm feeling surprisingly happy lately. I don't know why. Nothing in my life that I can think off is something you can call a 'joybringer'. I am trying to improve the overall quality of 'me' though. For instance, I've started to do my 'exercizes' more often and I have lost a little weight doing so :)

Also, I occasionally play soccer these days. This is not just beneficial to my overall health, but it's also a chance for me to see my friends after school (which is nice, because I don't see them a lot during school anymore, since I got held back a year). It is also convenient that I have become quite fond of the sport itself.

Maybe it's the sun that has changed my mood. God knows when the last time was that I could walk outside without a coat on. Even though I have my hay fever to worry about, I still prefer the sun over the typical Dutch cold weather. It's probably the most obvious cause for me being (relatively) happy. There is still plenty in my life that could change for the better, but this new mood of mine can help me be patient.

HEY!!

Milestone

Lately, I have been working on something important to me. Not homework, not even girls. All the effort that I was able to put into something was put into this:  Liking my singing voice.

Instead of trying to develop my singing voice to what others might like, I've been working hard to appreciate my own voice, in order to give myself a little ego-boost. One of the things I have learned from watching all the stand-up comedians making their jokes, is that 'self-esteem' is one's appreciation of him/herself. Katt Williams was the one who brought that up. I shouldn't have to wait for other people's approval in order to start liking parts of 'me'. I am who I am, and I will be who I am for the rest of my life. The best thing to do, is to be glad about the good things in me and to stop constantly doubting myself. 

This doesn't mean that I will be performing any time soon. I'm going to quote a good friend of mine here.

"The world isn't ready for a voice like mine".

For now, I will be the only one who wants to hear me sing, and I'm fine with that. Maybe later on, people will want to hear a voice like mine. Certain things just take a while. I'm sure that the talent in the video below hasn't always been appreciated either.

...

My thoughts... they're gone.

My head... is empty.

My mind.... is clear.

Am I tired? Am i stupid? Am I done?

Have I reached some state of 'zen', which disables me from thinking about anything whatsoever?

My days are boring and filled with trivial activities, that I could easily do without. I could stare at a wall for over an hour, and waste the same amount of time that I normally do looking at internet sites. Neither of those require any effort on my part, seen as my brain just stops working as soon as I plug in my laptop. Even writing this is nothing more than a time-filler for me, as I cannot concentrate on my economics, and I needed to find something to distract me.

There are two extremes (in my eyes). On one side, there are people with rich lifes. After a day of school, they do sports, work or practise some form of art. In the weekends, they go out and enjoy themselves. They're hardly ever bored and always seem to find something to do. On the other side, there's me; the laziest bastard I can think off. A life that consists out of relaxation, procrastination and power naps can only be labelled 'poor'.

I need to do something, but that's where the lack of motivation comes in. It used to be so much easier. "Hey Daniel, you have to go to your gymnastics training", "Daniel, it's time for you to go to work" and "Daniel, we're going to play soccer outside, come with us". I just followed instructions. Now, I'm supposed to make the instructions. I don't know if I can. I hope I'll learn.

Thank you, you sneaky bastard

During a few of my more recent guitar lessons, my teach has apparently whipped out his new audio recorder, and has taped several parts of my lessons. I didn't know that untill he handed me a cd with three songs on it, played and sung by me. I reacted a little surprised (obviously), but accepted the cd, since I saw it as an opportunity to improve whatever I played on this cd.

There were three songs. The first was a little melody I thought up myself, but it's very easy and not even remotely challenging, so I still have to work on that a lot. The second one is the song 'skin and bones', which I didn't finish playing, since I forgot the lyrics halfway through. If I had known I would be recorded, I would've studied the lyrics beforehand, but oh well. The song is at the bottom of this entry, for anyone who cares (and yes i do know what I sound like, so please don't critisize me if it isn't 'constructive'). The third song is actually my favourite. It's 'chasing cars' and I actually liked the way I sounded while doing that. The only problem with it (which is also the reason that I won't put it up here) is that my teach decided to adjust the volume of his recorder an annoying amount of times, throughout the whole song. That pretty much ruined it for me.

So what can I do with these recordings?

I'll listen to them a lot, hoping that I can spot exactly what parts I have to improve on. Also, the recording of my own little melody will help me think of new elements to put in the song (along with other instruments). I'm just not sure that I'm disciplined enough to put all that work into it though. Oh well, we'll see.

lyrical wordsmith.... not

I feel like I have enough to say, but every time I write it down, it looks like shit to me. The other day I was once again inspired by a song to write some of my own lyrics to it. It was '93 till infinity' by the Souls of Mischief. I wanted to write more, but when I looked back at what I had already written down, I just gave up...
Anyway, here are the lyrics (just one verse though, and it's probably not a good idea to read it if you're not into hip hop at all).

A new path is made

I’m weighing my options

I’m not getting paid

I remain very cautious

I don’t want to lose

The little that I have

And I simply refuse

To leave without a laugh

That means a smile on my face

As I walk out the door

Even though I know my place

I know that I deserve more

That’s for me to find out

And for you to decide.

I don’t need support,

I’m motivated by my pride.

I got that hunger inside

To go places beyond my reach

I tell ‘em they can succeed

And I practise what I preach.

I am the student and the teach.

That means I learn from myself

And in time that’ll teach me

To enlarge my wealth

You just take your time

To discover who I am

I’ll just chill for a while

Which has always been my plan

Never worked hard

I’m as spoiled as a prince

Was born in 93

Been chillin’ ever since.

It’s a lifestyle

That I must prolong

Cause every other way of living just

Feels so wrong

Best homies in the world

Poker nights and all

Pouring out our liquor

Afterwards we ball

Man I have it all,

And yet I want more

The big things in life

Are what I adore

And stressing over lil things

Over my dead body

Gonna kick it with me crew

Like we doing karate

That's all folks...

Who the man? You the man!

When does a person achieve succes? When they have money? When they have friends? When they have a family? What's my goal supposed to be? All three?

I don't think it's possible for me to achieve all three. Money is not a big deal to me anyway. Sure, it's nice to be able to afford extra's in life, but I can be quite satisfied without some of my luxuries. The only material possesions I couldn't see myself living without are:
*My laptop (half of my life is on that hard disk).
*My accoustic guitar (my only companion in lonely times).
*My watch (only item I own that holds emtional value).

Anything else is placed under the category 'Luxury'. I don't even need a bed. I've lost count of how many nights I have spent sleepin on my floor, using a hoodie as a pillow.

When it comes to friends, I would consider myself a succesful man. I've managed to gain plenty of friends these last few years, even in places where I wouldn't expect to find any. My only wish is that when all my friends start living their own seperate lives, I won't lose track of too many of them, and that for every friend I do end up losing, I gain two more.

I'm not old enough to start a family (logical shit). However, I want a large family when I'm ready for it. Irresponsibly large even. I want to have at least five children (preferably more). There are currently three reasons for that.
1. I want to spread my family name as much as I can.
2. I want to start a new mixture of races with my children (I myself carry caucasian, african and indian in me).
3. I want to share an unconditional love with as many people as I can.

Will living poorly, with a lot of friends and children make others consider me a succesful man? That's highly unlikely. Still, I wouldn't know what else to wish for in life, so this is basically what I'm going for.

Wish me luck...

Fuel

Ever since I was twelve, I've been told that I lack motivation. I always shook those comments off of me, thinking that these people just didn't know me well enough to judge me like that. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise how right these people are. I am truly unmotivated in life. There is absolutely nothing that I desire to accomplish. There are certain goals which I think I 'should' achieve, but nothing I truly want. The only thing pushing me forward in life is the simple fact that it seems like the 'normal' thing to do.

Attend school, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.

So what is it that pushes others to do all the things that I can't force myself to do? They all take up activities which I can't relate to. I don't do sports. Why should I? They don't interest me and all they give me is pain throughout my body during the next day. I don't see why I should get a job either. I don't need the money to go out, since I don't do that very often. Also, the sum that I do have is large enough to provide me with food each day. If I had more, I'd probably spend it on something stupid anyway, like a videogame that will only last me two afternoons. These days, I'm not even motivated enought to put any extra effort in my appearance. Instead of doing my hair, I just have it cut off. I don't really look at my clothes before putting them on, They all match anyway, because they're all dark. Even if they didn't, who'd notice?

I'm trying to find something to motivate me though. My first thought would be my future study of psychology. It still sounds very interesting, but I'm not sure what will motivate me to do all the work involved. The tests? The diploma? I don't think that's going to be enough for me.

My last hope resides within finding that 'special someone'. She'll have to be the one who makes me feel like I should achieve things in life. Work harder, to make her proud. Dress better, so I won't embarrass her. Live healthier, in order to keep up with her. Etc. etc.

Until I find that person (which will probably take a while), where do I look for my motivation, my inspiration, the engine that powers my ambition?

Fuck it... I give up.

What to do...

Fighting boredom remains a great objective in my current life. It's sad to think that despite the stress and the disappointing results, this testweek wasn't a bad week for me. More people than usual spoke to me (while I wondered if they were only searching for a distraction). Also, my days were short, and I had the afternoons off. Not that I could make use of this, as everybody who I'd like to hang out with, were occupied with their schoolbooks. I probably should've been too, but I had already settled into my own personal rythm (which means I only started studying after midnight). This led to me sleeping for five hours every afternoon, which is responsible for my currently fucked up bedtimes (varying from 4:00 PM to 5:00 AM).

Anyway, the testweek is over. People are done talking to me, as they have better things to do now (like celebrating). I'm left to fill these time gaps with other activities, even though I can't think of anything to do. I don't go to bars and clubs (or at least not by myself) and I rarely get invited to a party I'd like to go to. Yesterday, I watched the whole series of the British show 'Misfits'. Sure, I liked it a lot, but to spend a whole friday evening/night doing nothing but being clamped to a computer, watching a show, of which I hadn't even heard of the day before, seems a little pathetic.

Today, I managed to sleep 'till three 'o'clock in the afternoon. I got up, went out to buy my grandma a birthday present (to give to her tomorrow), got back and started downloading some music. In the evening, I was so bored that I decided to take a walk. I hate being cold, but nevertheless I am attracted by the idea of being outside. The reason I like walking so much, is not just because it's the only exercise that I get these days, but also because it gives me the opportunity to think (and occasionally, to smoke).

Now I'm back, enjoying my solitude as much as I can (which frankly, isn't much). I've been listening to the albums of Jagged Edge non-stop, because they're just to freakin awesome to turn off. Afterwards, I'll probably proceed to watch a season of a show called 'Skins'. It's about teenagers, so maybe I'll like it, I don't know. What else can I do to entertain myself?

excitement!

I just realised something. I'm going to America this summer. That means there will be three weeks that I can act like I'm not a Dutch guy. For some reason I blend in perfectly there. Maybe that's because I speak fluent English, only watch American tv, and am overweight (just a few ridiculous generalisations for now). I get to spend time with family members and do all the things I love doing when I'm there, such as having my favorite cereal, watching my skin get nearly as dark as my family's and wrestling my 15 year old cousin to the ground (which is not as pathetic as it sounds, considering he is a well trained athlete with a ridiculous six-pack and I'm a chubby ex-gymnast).

Even though the summer is so far away, I've started listening to the songs that I picked up the last time I was there. They always get me in a good mood, no matter what. That's probably just because I like reminiscing about the good times.

I'm going to post three of those songs below. As usual, you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to. I will say that there's a chance that a larger amount of the audience will like these songs, because these are not the usual hip hop 'hits', but smoothly sung R&B songs.

The first song is 'I'm Cheating' by Dwele. The song isn't only very easy to listen to, but also very easy to sing to. I'm always satisfied with my own voice when I sing along to this song (which isn't really about 'cheating', so do not think it's sad music or anything).



The following song is called 'Never' and it's sung by Jaheim (and his awesomely smooth voice). Even though I don't sound good singing this, I enjoy the hell out of trying, just because I love this song.



The last song is a duet by Anthony David and India Arie, called 'Words'. I like the whole vibe of this song. Generally speaking, I like India Arie better as a singer, but in this particular song I have to favor Anthony's voice, just because it's that much more powerful.



That's it for now. Just in case you haven't noticed by now: Yes, I do post three songs when I haven't written anything in a while and feel that I should at least post 'something'.

"God is love"
-Rev Run-

But I thought...?

Lately, in an effort to understand myself better, I have been trying to analyse some of the dreams I have been having recently. They're nothing alike, but that's the challenge. Trying to find some sort of pattern in different scenes. My most recent dreams included activities such as snowboarding, falling, diving, a hotel and a waterpark. Nearly all of those have contradicting meanings.

'Falling' generally means that you feel lost in your life. You have strayed from your path and you don't know where to go from here. 'Diving', however, means that you have found a comfortable situation, from which path you do not wish to stray. These dreams weren't the same night, but I still doubt that my state of mind changed that much overnight, without any significant alterations in my life.

The weirdest dream though, which confused me the most, was the one with the hotel and the waterpark. The hotel stands for your desire to change your scenery. This would apply to me if I had indeed strayed from my path (whatever that might've been). Then comes the waterpark part. That means that I'm absolutely comfortable with my situation and have no, I repeat, NO desire to change my scene. What made it more fucked up, was the fact that these two contradicting dream phenomenon were attached to each other.

What exactly does this mean. Am I just really confused at the moment (even though I don't experience a lot of confusion when I'm awake)? Or does the whole 'stuff that happens in dreams symbolise your state of mind' thingy not apply to me? I actually hope it's not the latter, because the only thing I like about dreaming so often, is the idea of being able to analyse myself further and further.

I think I'll just stick to being confused :S

What's new?

What have I done in 2010 that is worth remembering?

Let me think...

I got held back a year.
I got my first kiss (pretty late age, but oh well).
I started smoking these last weeks (trying to stop now, before I become an actual addict).
I played guitar on stage with a band for the first time.
I made a new friend through blogging (yay).

I can't really think of anything else right now. I hope 2011 is more exciting. It should be, I'm turning eighteen this year. I know it sounds pretty immature, but actually I hope that I'm going to do some excessive partying, drinking and wreckless driving at that age. In the future, this might prevent me from having a pathetic midlife crisis. I don't want to be acting like an adolescent when I'm over thirty and have a few children. (optimistic future, right?). Not sure that will happen though.