When does a person achieve succes? When they have money? When they have friends? When they have a family? What's my goal supposed to be? All three?
I don't think it's possible for me to achieve all three. Money is not a big deal to me anyway. Sure, it's nice to be able to afford extra's in life, but I can be quite satisfied without some of my luxuries. The only material possesions I couldn't see myself living without are:
*My laptop (half of my life is on that hard disk).
*My accoustic guitar (my only companion in lonely times).
*My watch (only item I own that holds emtional value).
Anything else is placed under the category 'Luxury'. I don't even need a bed. I've lost count of how many nights I have spent sleepin on my floor, using a hoodie as a pillow.
When it comes to friends, I would consider myself a succesful man. I've managed to gain plenty of friends these last few years, even in places where I wouldn't expect to find any. My only wish is that when all my friends start living their own seperate lives, I won't lose track of too many of them, and that for every friend I do end up losing, I gain two more.
I'm not old enough to start a family (logical shit). However, I want a large family when I'm ready for it. Irresponsibly large even. I want to have at least five children (preferably more). There are currently three reasons for that.
1. I want to spread my family name as much as I can.
2. I want to start a new mixture of races with my children (I myself carry caucasian, african and indian in me).
3. I want to share an unconditional love with as many people as I can.
Will living poorly, with a lot of friends and children make others consider me a succesful man? That's highly unlikely. Still, I wouldn't know what else to wish for in life, so this is basically what I'm going for.
Wish me luck...
30-01-2011
29-01-2011
Fuel
Ever since I was twelve, I've been told that I lack motivation. I always shook those comments off of me, thinking that these people just didn't know me well enough to judge me like that. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise how right these people are. I am truly unmotivated in life. There is absolutely nothing that I desire to accomplish. There are certain goals which I think I 'should' achieve, but nothing I truly want. The only thing pushing me forward in life is the simple fact that it seems like the 'normal' thing to do.
Attend school, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.
So what is it that pushes others to do all the things that I can't force myself to do? They all take up activities which I can't relate to. I don't do sports. Why should I? They don't interest me and all they give me is pain throughout my body during the next day. I don't see why I should get a job either. I don't need the money to go out, since I don't do that very often. Also, the sum that I do have is large enough to provide me with food each day. If I had more, I'd probably spend it on something stupid anyway, like a videogame that will only last me two afternoons. These days, I'm not even motivated enought to put any extra effort in my appearance. Instead of doing my hair, I just have it cut off. I don't really look at my clothes before putting them on, They all match anyway, because they're all dark. Even if they didn't, who'd notice?
I'm trying to find something to motivate me though. My first thought would be my future study of psychology. It still sounds very interesting, but I'm not sure what will motivate me to do all the work involved. The tests? The diploma? I don't think that's going to be enough for me.
My last hope resides within finding that 'special someone'. She'll have to be the one who makes me feel like I should achieve things in life. Work harder, to make her proud. Dress better, so I won't embarrass her. Live healthier, in order to keep up with her. Etc. etc.
Until I find that person (which will probably take a while), where do I look for my motivation, my inspiration, the engine that powers my ambition?
Fuck it... I give up.
Attend school, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.
So what is it that pushes others to do all the things that I can't force myself to do? They all take up activities which I can't relate to. I don't do sports. Why should I? They don't interest me and all they give me is pain throughout my body during the next day. I don't see why I should get a job either. I don't need the money to go out, since I don't do that very often. Also, the sum that I do have is large enough to provide me with food each day. If I had more, I'd probably spend it on something stupid anyway, like a videogame that will only last me two afternoons. These days, I'm not even motivated enought to put any extra effort in my appearance. Instead of doing my hair, I just have it cut off. I don't really look at my clothes before putting them on, They all match anyway, because they're all dark. Even if they didn't, who'd notice?
I'm trying to find something to motivate me though. My first thought would be my future study of psychology. It still sounds very interesting, but I'm not sure what will motivate me to do all the work involved. The tests? The diploma? I don't think that's going to be enough for me.
My last hope resides within finding that 'special someone'. She'll have to be the one who makes me feel like I should achieve things in life. Work harder, to make her proud. Dress better, so I won't embarrass her. Live healthier, in order to keep up with her. Etc. etc.
Until I find that person (which will probably take a while), where do I look for my motivation, my inspiration, the engine that powers my ambition?
Fuck it... I give up.
22-01-2011
What to do...
Fighting boredom remains a great objective in my current life. It's sad to think that despite the stress and the disappointing results, this testweek wasn't a bad week for me. More people than usual spoke to me (while I wondered if they were only searching for a distraction). Also, my days were short, and I had the afternoons off. Not that I could make use of this, as everybody who I'd like to hang out with, were occupied with their schoolbooks. I probably should've been too, but I had already settled into my own personal rythm (which means I only started studying after midnight). This led to me sleeping for five hours every afternoon, which is responsible for my currently fucked up bedtimes (varying from 4:00 PM to 5:00 AM).
Anyway, the testweek is over. People are done talking to me, as they have better things to do now (like celebrating). I'm left to fill these time gaps with other activities, even though I can't think of anything to do. I don't go to bars and clubs (or at least not by myself) and I rarely get invited to a party I'd like to go to. Yesterday, I watched the whole series of the British show 'Misfits'. Sure, I liked it a lot, but to spend a whole friday evening/night doing nothing but being clamped to a computer, watching a show, of which I hadn't even heard of the day before, seems a little pathetic.
Today, I managed to sleep 'till three 'o'clock in the afternoon. I got up, went out to buy my grandma a birthday present (to give to her tomorrow), got back and started downloading some music. In the evening, I was so bored that I decided to take a walk. I hate being cold, but nevertheless I am attracted by the idea of being outside. The reason I like walking so much, is not just because it's the only exercise that I get these days, but also because it gives me the opportunity to think (and occasionally, to smoke).
Now I'm back, enjoying my solitude as much as I can (which frankly, isn't much). I've been listening to the albums of Jagged Edge non-stop, because they're just to freakin awesome to turn off. Afterwards, I'll probably proceed to watch a season of a show called 'Skins'. It's about teenagers, so maybe I'll like it, I don't know. What else can I do to entertain myself?
Anyway, the testweek is over. People are done talking to me, as they have better things to do now (like celebrating). I'm left to fill these time gaps with other activities, even though I can't think of anything to do. I don't go to bars and clubs (or at least not by myself) and I rarely get invited to a party I'd like to go to. Yesterday, I watched the whole series of the British show 'Misfits'. Sure, I liked it a lot, but to spend a whole friday evening/night doing nothing but being clamped to a computer, watching a show, of which I hadn't even heard of the day before, seems a little pathetic.
Today, I managed to sleep 'till three 'o'clock in the afternoon. I got up, went out to buy my grandma a birthday present (to give to her tomorrow), got back and started downloading some music. In the evening, I was so bored that I decided to take a walk. I hate being cold, but nevertheless I am attracted by the idea of being outside. The reason I like walking so much, is not just because it's the only exercise that I get these days, but also because it gives me the opportunity to think (and occasionally, to smoke).
Now I'm back, enjoying my solitude as much as I can (which frankly, isn't much). I've been listening to the albums of Jagged Edge non-stop, because they're just to freakin awesome to turn off. Afterwards, I'll probably proceed to watch a season of a show called 'Skins'. It's about teenagers, so maybe I'll like it, I don't know. What else can I do to entertain myself?
15-01-2011
excitement!
I just realised something. I'm going to America this summer. That means there will be three weeks that I can act like I'm not a Dutch guy. For some reason I blend in perfectly there. Maybe that's because I speak fluent English, only watch American tv, and am overweight (just a few ridiculous generalisations for now). I get to spend time with family members and do all the things I love doing when I'm there, such as having my favorite cereal, watching my skin get nearly as dark as my family's and wrestling my 15 year old cousin to the ground (which is not as pathetic as it sounds, considering he is a well trained athlete with a ridiculous six-pack and I'm a chubby ex-gymnast).
Even though the summer is so far away, I've started listening to the songs that I picked up the last time I was there. They always get me in a good mood, no matter what. That's probably just because I like reminiscing about the good times.
I'm going to post three of those songs below. As usual, you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to. I will say that there's a chance that a larger amount of the audience will like these songs, because these are not the usual hip hop 'hits', but smoothly sung R&B songs.
The first song is 'I'm Cheating' by Dwele. The song isn't only very easy to listen to, but also very easy to sing to. I'm always satisfied with my own voice when I sing along to this song (which isn't really about 'cheating', so do not think it's sad music or anything).
The following song is called 'Never' and it's sung by Jaheim (and his awesomely smooth voice). Even though I don't sound good singing this, I enjoy the hell out of trying, just because I love this song.
The last song is a duet by Anthony David and India Arie, called 'Words'. I like the whole vibe of this song. Generally speaking, I like India Arie better as a singer, but in this particular song I have to favor Anthony's voice, just because it's that much more powerful.
That's it for now. Just in case you haven't noticed by now: Yes, I do post three songs when I haven't written anything in a while and feel that I should at least post 'something'.
"God is love"
-Rev Run-
Even though the summer is so far away, I've started listening to the songs that I picked up the last time I was there. They always get me in a good mood, no matter what. That's probably just because I like reminiscing about the good times.
I'm going to post three of those songs below. As usual, you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to. I will say that there's a chance that a larger amount of the audience will like these songs, because these are not the usual hip hop 'hits', but smoothly sung R&B songs.
The first song is 'I'm Cheating' by Dwele. The song isn't only very easy to listen to, but also very easy to sing to. I'm always satisfied with my own voice when I sing along to this song (which isn't really about 'cheating', so do not think it's sad music or anything).
The following song is called 'Never' and it's sung by Jaheim (and his awesomely smooth voice). Even though I don't sound good singing this, I enjoy the hell out of trying, just because I love this song.
The last song is a duet by Anthony David and India Arie, called 'Words'. I like the whole vibe of this song. Generally speaking, I like India Arie better as a singer, but in this particular song I have to favor Anthony's voice, just because it's that much more powerful.
That's it for now. Just in case you haven't noticed by now: Yes, I do post three songs when I haven't written anything in a while and feel that I should at least post 'something'.
"God is love"
-Rev Run-
06-01-2011
But I thought...?
Lately, in an effort to understand myself better, I have been trying to analyse some of the dreams I have been having recently. They're nothing alike, but that's the challenge. Trying to find some sort of pattern in different scenes. My most recent dreams included activities such as snowboarding, falling, diving, a hotel and a waterpark. Nearly all of those have contradicting meanings.
'Falling' generally means that you feel lost in your life. You have strayed from your path and you don't know where to go from here. 'Diving', however, means that you have found a comfortable situation, from which path you do not wish to stray. These dreams weren't the same night, but I still doubt that my state of mind changed that much overnight, without any significant alterations in my life.
The weirdest dream though, which confused me the most, was the one with the hotel and the waterpark. The hotel stands for your desire to change your scenery. This would apply to me if I had indeed strayed from my path (whatever that might've been). Then comes the waterpark part. That means that I'm absolutely comfortable with my situation and have no, I repeat, NO desire to change my scene. What made it more fucked up, was the fact that these two contradicting dream phenomenon were attached to each other.
What exactly does this mean. Am I just really confused at the moment (even though I don't experience a lot of confusion when I'm awake)? Or does the whole 'stuff that happens in dreams symbolise your state of mind' thingy not apply to me? I actually hope it's not the latter, because the only thing I like about dreaming so often, is the idea of being able to analyse myself further and further.
I think I'll just stick to being confused :S
'Falling' generally means that you feel lost in your life. You have strayed from your path and you don't know where to go from here. 'Diving', however, means that you have found a comfortable situation, from which path you do not wish to stray. These dreams weren't the same night, but I still doubt that my state of mind changed that much overnight, without any significant alterations in my life.
The weirdest dream though, which confused me the most, was the one with the hotel and the waterpark. The hotel stands for your desire to change your scenery. This would apply to me if I had indeed strayed from my path (whatever that might've been). Then comes the waterpark part. That means that I'm absolutely comfortable with my situation and have no, I repeat, NO desire to change my scene. What made it more fucked up, was the fact that these two contradicting dream phenomenon were attached to each other.
What exactly does this mean. Am I just really confused at the moment (even though I don't experience a lot of confusion when I'm awake)? Or does the whole 'stuff that happens in dreams symbolise your state of mind' thingy not apply to me? I actually hope it's not the latter, because the only thing I like about dreaming so often, is the idea of being able to analyse myself further and further.
I think I'll just stick to being confused :S
03-01-2011
What's new?
What have I done in 2010 that is worth remembering?
Let me think...
I got held back a year.
I got my first kiss (pretty late age, but oh well).
I started smoking these last weeks (trying to stop now, before I become an actual addict).
I played guitar on stage with a band for the first time.
I made a new friend through blogging (yay).
I can't really think of anything else right now. I hope 2011 is more exciting. It should be, I'm turning eighteen this year. I know it sounds pretty immature, but actually I hope that I'm going to do some excessive partying, drinking and wreckless driving at that age. In the future, this might prevent me from having a pathetic midlife crisis. I don't want to be acting like an adolescent when I'm over thirty and have a few children. (optimistic future, right?). Not sure that will happen though.
Let me think...
I got held back a year.
I got my first kiss (pretty late age, but oh well).
I started smoking these last weeks (trying to stop now, before I become an actual addict).
I played guitar on stage with a band for the first time.
I made a new friend through blogging (yay).
I can't really think of anything else right now. I hope 2011 is more exciting. It should be, I'm turning eighteen this year. I know it sounds pretty immature, but actually I hope that I'm going to do some excessive partying, drinking and wreckless driving at that age. In the future, this might prevent me from having a pathetic midlife crisis. I don't want to be acting like an adolescent when I'm over thirty and have a few children. (optimistic future, right?). Not sure that will happen though.
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