Fear Factor

There are many aspects of life to be afraid of. Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind is death (and the things that usually lead to death). This causes people to be afraid of heights, germs and certain animals. As a small child I experienced a fear of heights, which was the reason for me not being able to sleep in the top bunk of bunk beds. Furthermore, I have always had a fear of snakes, not that I squeal when I see one, but they make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

My fear of heights has not been conquered, but I have learned where this fear would be appropriate. Bunk beds aren’t scary anymore, but you won’t see me climbing the Mt. Everest any day soon. To me, this seems like a rational fear, as climbing a mountain is a thing that could get me killed easily. I think that determining when and where to fear something (or someone) is important for a person, in order to build confidence and a strong character.

For example, until recently, there has been a person in my life who I feared. Not in the ‘I think he’s going to kill me’ way though. Instead, I was afraid that this person had some sort of control over me and could destroy my future if I didn’t obey. Nowadays, I have replaced that fear with rational thoughts. The only person with real control over my future is me, and the only person who should be able to control me, is me.

Now, my self-confidence has risen (not much though) and I can speak my mind without a lot of hesitation. The person I was talking about seems to have more respect for me this way as well, so that just worked out for the best, didn’t it?

Surface or Centre?

I have had a few conversations with fellow males on this subject. What is more important to you in others, looks or personality? What strikes me, is that nearly all guys say that they value a good personality more than looks, but that they are more specific when they describe the looks they wish to see in a woman.

For example, when I ask a guy, who claims to value personality, what kind of characteristics he searches for, he usually replies “ehrm… she has to be nice, erhm… sweet and erhm… smart of course”. The thing is, I can’t imagine any guy who doesn’t want a woman to have these traits. However, when I get to the questions about desired physical appearances, I tend to get clear and thought through answers like “Oh I love blonde girls. She definitely has to have a tight butt, but I don’t care about the front. No fatties or redheads, those won’t do.” This is only one example of the many different answers. That makes me wonder how much guys (including me) actually value the woman’s mind. Do the specific qualifications that we set for the exterior make us shallow beings? When I say ‘us’, I don’t mean all men, because that would be generalising. I simply mean most of the guys I have had this conversation with.

I will admit to being a shallow person. I have denied certain women because of their looks before, and I’m sure I will do that again in the future. Furthermore, I can think of at least two girls in my school who I would do anything for (even if they decided to treat me like trash), just because they appear so beautiful (to me). Does this make me a bad person? Or just a typical adolescent?

That I’m shallow, does not mean that there aren’t any personal qualities that I favour in women. I love it when women can speak their mind, but not to go as far as saying every useless thing that they think off. Also, I appreciate it when a girl has a better sense of style than me, not that I set the bar really high there. But the point that I’m trying to make is that I would date a girl with the right looks, over a girl with the right personality. How wrong is that?

Mind over Soul

Last week was an important week for me. I looked at all my future options, in order to determine what I might want do after I leave school (which isn’t for another year and a half though). I haven’t visited any universities yet, but I have nearly come to a conclusion anyway; psychology.

A great part of what defines one’s individuality is the mind. Emotions, actions and reactions are all determined by the way that each one of us thinks. To me, one of the most interesting occupations is to find out exactly how our minds and actions are connected. To be able to analyse a person in order to determine why they behave the way they do, and how they can change themselves, is one of my goals. In a way that’s what I’m doing with myself in this blog. The only thing I need, before I can study psychology, is to have finished mathematics on a VWO level. No other requirements are needed, which is good for me, as I don’t have any other subjects that I actually understand in school.

Of course there is always the good chance that I don’t get accepted into the university (of Amsterdam). In that case, I have a back-up plan. At the SAE (also in Amsterdam) there is a study that I can do, which would last two years. I would be studying audio technology and how to use it properly. This is a beginning of getting a career in music. In the end, I would get a Bachelor of Arts degree, which would be awesome. Nevertheless, this is a back-up plan and I am not going to do this study if I have been accepted into psychology.

Figuring this out is very important to me, because I haven’t had a clue what I was going to do in life. I was one of the small children who answered “dunno” when they were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, while the other kids gave answers like “police officer”, “soldier” and even (*sigh*) “lawyer”. It’s still a vague future, but at least I have crossed off a few possibilities, by choosing a study.

hypocritical laughter

What personal qualities do I appreciate in myself and others?

Let me start by explaining that I don’t believe that I have strong personal qualities myself. That brings me to the first thing I like about myself. I have the ability to adapt in different groups of people. I know when to stand out, when it’s best to stay in the background, and how to act appropriately. That said, this is not a quality I value in others. I prefer it when others have noticeable characteristics and stay themselves, no matter who they are with, even if there’s a chance that they may appear ‘odd’. Even when it comes to some of the weird types I don’t like hanging out with, I still respect the fact that they are comfortable with their identity and don’t feel the need to change themselves around others. However, the reason I adapt myself to different people, is mainly because I like different kinds of people. I like the people who stand out, the people who stay low, and the people who act like they’re something (but really aren’t at all).

Another quality that I appreciate in others is the ability to smile, even when they aren’t feeling happy. I feel that when I feel bad about something, it all seems a little better after I have had a laugh about it (or about some other random subject). This might not work for everyone, but I like it when people try to make that effort anyway. It shows that they at least have some social skills.

There are also a few qualities I like that seem less appealing to other people. For instance, I like it when people tend to be a bit cynical. Not in the depressing way, but rather in a way that’ll make me laugh. Another example is mystery. I like it when people seem to be a bit mysterious. Not knowing much about them, allows me to make up a story about them in my mind. Usually, that tends to be far more exciting than their actual lives, but until then, that amuses me.

If anyone feels that there are some great qualities I’m neglecting, I would like them to comment (or even post a similar entry on their blog). I’m very interested in your answers.

All is lost

What do I want?

I’m going to go ahead and rephrase this question, so that my answer will be a little more specific:

What do I want right now?

This means that I’m just jotting down what I’m thinking at the moment. Simply said, what I want right now, is to get all my music back. Little over an hour ago, I decided to plug my mp3-player into my laptop, to play some songs I like (which is an everyday activity for every teenager). My mp3-player is of crappy quality and I have already made peace with the fact that it freezes every time I try to start it up. However, it still served as a perfect storage facility for my songs. I would plug it into the laptop and play my music from that location. This was practical, because my laptop has little memory space of its own. When I tried it earlier, all my files were missing. That means that OVER 850 SONGS had mysteriously vanished.

This depresses me in more ways than one. First of all, I can’t believe that my mp3-player has found three ways to screw me over (the screen is broken, it freezes before it starts up and now it’s pulling a ‘Houdini’ with my files). The next thing that troubles me, is the realisation that I have to download, organise and rename all the files I had before (if I can remember them). Also, I have to buy a new mp3-player to serve as little more than a memory card, and I simply do not have the money to do that.

There are obviously other things that I desire. The best examples would be:

1.                  A girlfriend

2.                  High grades

3.                  To get in shape

4.                  A good relationship with my friends

All these are very important to me, but at the moment, they are something that I have either not had, or not lost yet. That makes the whole ‘my music is missing’ thingy a little bit more important. I do not expect a lot of readers. Therefore I do not expect a lot of comments. However, I would like to ask others if they know a good mp3-player (which is affordable). Please do not recommend an I-pod, for I have an unexplainable principle which prevents me from buying one of those.

Not quite done yet

What have I done with my life so far?

I already explained my past activities in a previous entry. I will therefore interpret this question differently. Instead of simply stating what I have done in my life, I will accompany the statement with an explanation of why I did it, and what I have learned from it. I’m working in a chronological order here, so the first item was hard to remember. 

When I was six, I joined a choir at my local music school. I didn’t choose to do this. I was sent there by my parents, and left as soon as I was allowed to make some of my own choices. Luckily, that was the following year. What I learned from this experience is that a little white children’s choir is not my thing, and that I can’t sing. I also stopped going to church at this age (not that there is a connection, I just thought it was worth mentioning).

My parents thought that I should choose a sport early in life. They were thinking of football or tennis off course. I went in a different direction. I spent about seven years doing gymnastics. I chose a sport that would build muscle and would enable me to do some cool tricks. Fortunately, this was actually the case (sort of). I did get stronger over the years, and I can still do a back flip (not very useful, but fun nevertheless). I sometimes wonder if it would’ve been better if I chose football as a kid, for I’d be in better shape if I had done that. Then I look at my football technique (which consists out of minor juggling skills) and I realize that I made the right choice.

At the age of seven, my parents still felt that I should take up a musical activity. After giving it little thought (I was a seven year-old), I chose the guitar over the keyboard, because (get this…) I thought more guys would choose the keyboard, and I didn’t want to play the same instrument as them. Fail! Ah well, I still like the guitar just as much as I did back then, probably even more. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate all the techniques (of which I haven’t learned many yet) that are required to play my instrument well. So in conclusion, I am not disappointed in the instrument I chose.

In school, I have never been an excellent student. I’m not stupid or anything, I just can’t put myself through hours worth of mind numbing assignments and book chapters. My laziness is the cause of me being held back a year. Granted, I’m still doing the bilingual version of the highest educational stream in my school, but I could’ve advanced last year if I actually did some stuff. I chose the bilingual stream because it seemed easier to get taught in English (and it actually was). The only problem was that with most subjects, we had to switch back to Dutch after the third year. What I’ve learned in school: I hate school. Yet I will continue to go there, because my parents will kick my ass into oblivion if I don’t finish my education. That seems like a fair choice. School or death.

I am now seventeen, still in school, still playing the guitar and still practising back flips in my living room (just to see if I still got it). As you can see, it’s not exactly what I have done in my life, but what I am doing.

'Mr Nice Guy'

How do I treat others?

I never really gave this any thought. I feel like this is something that is easier to answer by someone who isn’t me. Of course I try to be nice, but I don’t know how my behaviour is perceived by others. Generally, I like seeing people smile, so when in conversation, I try to make them laugh. Sometimes I use jokes, other times I use light insults. Therefore, I do not know if I am seen as a nice and funny guy or a complete asshole. Both are possibilities, but I am pretty sure I’m liked by my friends, and by my close social environment.

My close family (so just in Holland) consists of my parents and my father’s parents. We’re a close family, and we don’t really ever argue (except if somebody can’t find the remote control or something like that). I treat my grandparents with the respect they deserve, with them being 86 years old and having lived a full life. I treat my parents with less though. I guess that’s mainly because I am a teenager and I always think I know best. I do realise that I don’t know better than these people who’ve had more life experience than me, but sometimes I can’t help feeling that way. I’m still a kind and civilized child though. No mood swings and no threatening disobedience.

I only see my distant relatives once in every three years, so whenever I get the chance to see them I make sure they know I appreciate them and love them. What makes that easier is that my family in America is a big black family. They make sure that I feel welcome as soon as I step in the door. I also have relatives in England. They’re also black, but in a British way. By that, I mean that there is no hip hop music, basketball or Kool-Aid involved. Even though that might seem like a stereotype, it does apply to my American cousins. I treat my English family with a certain formality (their accent makes me do that).

Old people (like my grandparents) deserve respect, so whenever I see old people walking in my neighbourhood, I make it a point to give them a smile and a nod, instead of the mean look that some kids have on their faces these days. Sometimes I stop for a second, and just have a normal conversation (there’s no reason for ignoring them). I’m quite uncomfortable around small children. That’s partially because they look at me with that bizarre ‘who are you?’ look. It’s also because I know that my mother is crazy about little kids, and I have to resist the urge to act like her, because I know it looks ridiculous (degrading baby-talk, exaggerated smile, touching faces, etc.). So basically, I keep my distance when it comes to small children.

So basically, the way I treat others is not far from the way I want to be treated myself. I want to be treated with respect, kindness and I want people to make me laugh. I’m not positive that I’m doing all of this myself, but I hope that it’s clear that I make an effort (how little that effort may be).

Future plans

What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

I’ve been fearing this question for it seems unanswerable to me. Sure there are a few things I would like to do later on in life, but if I’m completely honest with myself, none of those things seem attainable. Not all of it is as farfetched as wanting to be an astronaut or a self-made millionaire, but they’re still out of my league. A few examples on which I will expand:

-          Local performer in cafés or diners (when I say local, I mean Amsterdam).                     

-          Psychologist

-          Actor/comedian

To become a local performer you would probably need a few things in advance. The first thing would be talent. As I have stated before, I’m pretty much mediocre at anything I try, so I wouldn’t be the lead-singer and I wouldn’t be playing the lead-guitar, but I would make a nice background vocalist/guitarist. My plan would be to find myself a café in Amsterdam, which hosts my style of music (which I haven’t defined yet). There I would wait until I saw a talented solo performer who could actually use me in his shows. That way we could become a duo, and I would have an occupation and a meaning in life. This seems somewhat attainable, but if I would add ‘becoming famous, rich and loved’ I would be overreaching.

Psychology (it’s annoying how many times I spell that wrong) is still one my interests. I’ve been told many times that you need biology to study this. However, recently a friend of mine told me that you would only need biology to become a psychiatrist, as you have to study medicine as well. So maybe, there is still some hope of me going to university. The only issue I have with it is that I might end up feeling superior because I have studied people’s behaviour and can anticipate certain thoughts and actions. This would not only make me an annoying human being, it would also make me look ridiculous, as I am in no way superior to anyone. I have a ton of flaws. I am even proud of some of them, like being the sick bastard that I am (thanks Kylian!). Knowing how sick my mind can get, actually helps me separate the wrong from the right. The fact that I think about stuff, doesn’t mean I act upon those thoughts. Anyway, feeling superior as a psychiatrist is not necessarily what happens. It’s more of an idea I got from a well known sitcom, but who’s to say that there is no certain truth behind it?

Ok, I guess the actor/comedian profession is about as farfetched as being a self-made millionaire, but still… I can fantasize, can’t I? To be an actor, you need to be able to act (no shit Sherlock =P). The thing is, I always think I can act, but I probably can’t. There is no effective way for me to test it, so later on in life I will probably wind up at some auditions. The most realistic scenario is:

-          I step into the room

-          They welcome me and say “Lets start this dialogue”

-          I grab my booklet and read the lines without showing any emotion.

-          They look uncomfortable and say “That was enough, thank you. NEXT!”

-          I leave the room, knowing that I shouldn’t have come.

-          This will not however prevent from trying again at the next audition.

Being a comedian requires one skill: making others laugh. The only people who laugh at my jokes are my friends. Unless the whole audience consists of my personal friends, I think this profession is not the right thing for me. So what the fuck am I going to do with my life?

I have no clue, whatsoever.

What's missing?

What have I been avoiding in life?

This question makes me think about the things I’m missing in life. After getting over my fear of performing on stage, that hasn’t been on the list of avoided items anymore. Instead, the only thing that comes to mind is relationships. I haven’t exactly been avoiding those, but I haven’t made any recent leaps of faith either. To be more specific, I have made close to no effort to establish a relationship with girls. I hope this won’t be misunderstood. I can get along with girls just fine, even though I might have a reputation of being somewhat of a pervert (I’m not sure, since I have tried to stop making dirty jokes around girls for over a year now). The reason that I don’t make the necessary effort is because I am either too slow to understand when a girl likes me, or simply because I’m chicken.

When I say that I’m too slow, I mean that I can only figure out that a girl likes me, two years after she stopped liking me. That’s mainly because it takes about that long for her, or a friend or hers to tell me that this was the case. It is not until then that I am able to look back and see the signs that she was throwing at me. The result is usually that I feel like an asshole for ignoring her signs, and that she feels silly for not just telling me. This has happened to me about three times by now.

I think that it’s quite obvious what I mean by ‘chicken’. Still, I feel I have to elaborate. When I like a girl (it happens pretty often, though love is never involved), I try to read any signs that could imply that she likes me as well. The thing is, for me, the sign has to come close to a literal ‘sign’ saying “I like you!” before my mind is able to notice it. Until then, I will remain too (again with this word) ‘chicken’ to do anything about it.

There is one more factor that prohibits me from getting a girlfriend: boyfriends. This is a thing about myself of which I am not proud. When a girl, who I am usually not particularly interested in, gets a boyfriend, I automatically start looking at this girl in a different way. It’s not exactly “Hey! She’s taken. Now I want her, because I can’t have her.”, but I do realize that some men think like this. Actually, what I do is trying to see what her boyfriend sees in her. If I find out that she has some great qualities about her, then I might start liking her, though this doesn’t happen very often. When this happens, I turn into the silent jealous type, I smile in the couples’ faces, but quietly wish I was the one of those guys.

Wow, that last paragraph made me sound like a pathetic little man, didn’t it? I guess that sometimes, I can be. I’ve also had some good moments though. I have willingly given up girls, because I know that some other guy wants (and deserves) them more than I do. This doesn’t help my case a lot, but it gives a certain feeling of satisfaction, nevertheless.

Anyway, I’m not in a great hurry to get into a relationship. When it comes to life experience, I just want to beat my dad’s age. I’ve kissed two girls now, which is not a lot, but I beat my dad’s first kiss by two years, and I have about five years to beat my dad’s first relationship. To be fair, he picked my mom as his first (and only) relationship and they still love each other, after about thirty years, so he did pick his first girlfriend well.

Now that I have given it some thought, there are two more things that I tend to avoid. The first being schoolwork (which has resulted in me being held back a year). The second thing is thinking about my future. I have never given a lot of thought to what I will do after school. That’s probably because I’m afraid of having to choose my own future. In school, other people tell you what to do all the time. You can choose not to do anything, but they do give you clear guidelines in life. After school, I will have to decide for myself what my path will look like. I can’t even start imagining how I will probably waste my life, since I have no form of discipline, whatsoever. Therefore, I usually just don’t think about it. Seems like a stupid thing to do, right? Well, that’s how I roll.