Fuel

Ever since I was twelve, I've been told that I lack motivation. I always shook those comments off of me, thinking that these people just didn't know me well enough to judge me like that. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise how right these people are. I am truly unmotivated in life. There is absolutely nothing that I desire to accomplish. There are certain goals which I think I 'should' achieve, but nothing I truly want. The only thing pushing me forward in life is the simple fact that it seems like the 'normal' thing to do.

Attend school, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.

So what is it that pushes others to do all the things that I can't force myself to do? They all take up activities which I can't relate to. I don't do sports. Why should I? They don't interest me and all they give me is pain throughout my body during the next day. I don't see why I should get a job either. I don't need the money to go out, since I don't do that very often. Also, the sum that I do have is large enough to provide me with food each day. If I had more, I'd probably spend it on something stupid anyway, like a videogame that will only last me two afternoons. These days, I'm not even motivated enought to put any extra effort in my appearance. Instead of doing my hair, I just have it cut off. I don't really look at my clothes before putting them on, They all match anyway, because they're all dark. Even if they didn't, who'd notice?

I'm trying to find something to motivate me though. My first thought would be my future study of psychology. It still sounds very interesting, but I'm not sure what will motivate me to do all the work involved. The tests? The diploma? I don't think that's going to be enough for me.

My last hope resides within finding that 'special someone'. She'll have to be the one who makes me feel like I should achieve things in life. Work harder, to make her proud. Dress better, so I won't embarrass her. Live healthier, in order to keep up with her. Etc. etc.

Until I find that person (which will probably take a while), where do I look for my motivation, my inspiration, the engine that powers my ambition?

Fuck it... I give up.