Look closer

This is another post about my kind of music, I'm afraid. I'm actually just going to include three songs in this post. These songs are the main reasons that I like the pretty popular artists who made them, even though the songs themselves might not be so popular.

The first one is 'Right Hand' by T-pain. Many people love T-pain, but I know plenty more who dislike him and his use of autotune. This song is one of my favourites by T-pain, which is the reason I will keep listening to him, in the hope that he will make more songs with the same overall quality.



The next song is by Ludacris. Even though I dislike what he is doing nowadays (e.g. collaborating with Justin Bieber, to gain popularity), I still enjoy listening to songs like 'Do the right thing'. It shows that he IS capable of sending a 'right' message. However, I won't deny that his popular songs are about drinkin, clubbin and sex. Ah well...



My last song is by Nelly. To be honest, I don't know a lot of people who listen to him, but I reckon he is still pretty popular. The song is called 'N dey say'. Again, I like that he tries to bring a better message across than usual.



That's it for today.
Once again, I don't mind people not listening to any of it.

Fighting boredom!

Even though I'm one of the laziest people that I know, I actually hate the fact that I have nothing to do. I've made a simple decision today. There's not going to be a single day of this holiday, that I have stayed inside the house alone all day. Even though the decision is simple, I'm having trouble drawing up a schedual.

So what can I do to prevent myself from having nothing to do? Not sure, to be honest. The snow makes it hard to make nice plans. In addition, my plans have to involve more than a mere walk around the block. I guess I'll just have to start visiting old friends or something.

What if they are all busy that day? Well, I'll just have to find something else to do. Go out in Amsterdam, perhaps. Even if I'm lonely there, I won't be locked up in my room, and I'll still have a relatively good time. Right now, anything seems better than spending each and every day looking at my screen, wishing I had someone to speak with.

As I said, I made this decision today. So what is it that I have done today? What is it that has driven me to this point?

This afternoon, I went outside of my house, initially just to post some christmas cards. However, after inserting them into the mailbox (of which the opening has been reduced to prevent kids from sticking fireworks in there), I kept on walking. I didn't feel like returning to my home, whatsoever.

I walked to the station in Weesp, where I remembered that I didn't have the money for any desirable destination. Instead, I looked up an old friend from my primary school, who lived right next to the station. We spent hours laughing, reminiscing and playing video games. This was the most fun I had for days. I don't expect every other day to be just as exiting, but I just can't go back to sitting in my room, choosing between sleeping or making homework.

If you decide to comment, I would like to know what your holiday plans are, just for the heck of it.

P.S. On my way home, I recognised Joram walking with (what I assume is) his girlfriend. I liked how they looked together. That was just something fun I felt like mentioning.

Concrete

Something that I have realised over the years is that I'm not a deep person. My thoughts are obvious conclusions and not insightful at all. Even though that might make this blog less attractive to others, I'm actually fond of it. It's also something that I appreciate around me.

For example, the music I listen to is mainly hip hop. How often do you hear people complain about rappers bragging about their money, cars and jewelry? Even though I prefer the story-telling hip hop, I can also enjoy listening to people who can clearly tell me what they live for, albeit material possessions.

Also, the fact that I'm not insightful whatsoever, is reflected in my favored choice in media. I love television (and I don't use the word 'love' very often). To see the images on the screen is much clearer for me than to read words, for they give you space to think, which I don't do well. While books often inspire to think about ideas and the meaning behind the words, I usually wind up getting stuck on a simple word like 'tree'. My mind starts forming images of different trees and tries to place one of them at the scene, therefore disabling me to think about the things that actually matter.

I am not a deep person. That is my message.

Just sharing

I don't have anything relevant to say, so instead I decided to let you hear some music I love. All three of the songs that I have chosen are hip hop songs, so I will not be offended if some of my readers decide not to listen to them.

The first song is 'the instrumental' by Lupe Fiasco. I love this rapper because he is great in writing stories in his songs, rather than just bragging about his money and material possesions.



The next song is 'Roses' by Kanye West. This is the kind of music that prevents me from being annoyed by the guy. Not only do I like the message in his lyrics, I also enjoy the melody and the whole gospel thingy going on for the greater part of the song.



The last song is 'Dance' by Nas. I have to admit that this is different from the music I usually love from Nas. However, it never ceases to bring at least one tear to my eye. Not just because of the strong mother-son relationship that he tries to explain, but also because of the simple fact that he sings the chorus himself (and I have never heard Nas sing anywhere else).



That's all folks,
good night

You're not the best

Criticism; how do you handle it? I actually enjoy being criticized (to a certain extent). I feel glad when other people care enough about me to help me improve myself. So to be specific, I’m referring to constructive criticism, not ‘make me wish I’m dead’ criticism. If you pick your words carefully, you could be very helpful to others. Also, you could stop people from making a fool out of themselves. Whenever I see these strange talentless people on Dutch talent shows like ‘Popstars’, I feel bad for them, because obviously they don’t have anyone who said “Dude, seriously, you can’t sing, don’t go there and humiliate yourself. I know you, and you don’t want to end up crying like a baby on national television”.

If somebody asks me a serious question, I will give them a serious answer. Sometimes, this might hurt your feelings a little, but I still feel that it is better than to mislead you. When I lie (and of course I lie sometimes, who doesn’t?), I’m going to make sure that it can’t end up hurting you in anyway.

Fear Factor

There are many aspects of life to be afraid of. Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind is death (and the things that usually lead to death). This causes people to be afraid of heights, germs and certain animals. As a small child I experienced a fear of heights, which was the reason for me not being able to sleep in the top bunk of bunk beds. Furthermore, I have always had a fear of snakes, not that I squeal when I see one, but they make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

My fear of heights has not been conquered, but I have learned where this fear would be appropriate. Bunk beds aren’t scary anymore, but you won’t see me climbing the Mt. Everest any day soon. To me, this seems like a rational fear, as climbing a mountain is a thing that could get me killed easily. I think that determining when and where to fear something (or someone) is important for a person, in order to build confidence and a strong character.

For example, until recently, there has been a person in my life who I feared. Not in the ‘I think he’s going to kill me’ way though. Instead, I was afraid that this person had some sort of control over me and could destroy my future if I didn’t obey. Nowadays, I have replaced that fear with rational thoughts. The only person with real control over my future is me, and the only person who should be able to control me, is me.

Now, my self-confidence has risen (not much though) and I can speak my mind without a lot of hesitation. The person I was talking about seems to have more respect for me this way as well, so that just worked out for the best, didn’t it?

Surface or Centre?

I have had a few conversations with fellow males on this subject. What is more important to you in others, looks or personality? What strikes me, is that nearly all guys say that they value a good personality more than looks, but that they are more specific when they describe the looks they wish to see in a woman.

For example, when I ask a guy, who claims to value personality, what kind of characteristics he searches for, he usually replies “ehrm… she has to be nice, erhm… sweet and erhm… smart of course”. The thing is, I can’t imagine any guy who doesn’t want a woman to have these traits. However, when I get to the questions about desired physical appearances, I tend to get clear and thought through answers like “Oh I love blonde girls. She definitely has to have a tight butt, but I don’t care about the front. No fatties or redheads, those won’t do.” This is only one example of the many different answers. That makes me wonder how much guys (including me) actually value the woman’s mind. Do the specific qualifications that we set for the exterior make us shallow beings? When I say ‘us’, I don’t mean all men, because that would be generalising. I simply mean most of the guys I have had this conversation with.

I will admit to being a shallow person. I have denied certain women because of their looks before, and I’m sure I will do that again in the future. Furthermore, I can think of at least two girls in my school who I would do anything for (even if they decided to treat me like trash), just because they appear so beautiful (to me). Does this make me a bad person? Or just a typical adolescent?

That I’m shallow, does not mean that there aren’t any personal qualities that I favour in women. I love it when women can speak their mind, but not to go as far as saying every useless thing that they think off. Also, I appreciate it when a girl has a better sense of style than me, not that I set the bar really high there. But the point that I’m trying to make is that I would date a girl with the right looks, over a girl with the right personality. How wrong is that?

Mind over Soul

Last week was an important week for me. I looked at all my future options, in order to determine what I might want do after I leave school (which isn’t for another year and a half though). I haven’t visited any universities yet, but I have nearly come to a conclusion anyway; psychology.

A great part of what defines one’s individuality is the mind. Emotions, actions and reactions are all determined by the way that each one of us thinks. To me, one of the most interesting occupations is to find out exactly how our minds and actions are connected. To be able to analyse a person in order to determine why they behave the way they do, and how they can change themselves, is one of my goals. In a way that’s what I’m doing with myself in this blog. The only thing I need, before I can study psychology, is to have finished mathematics on a VWO level. No other requirements are needed, which is good for me, as I don’t have any other subjects that I actually understand in school.

Of course there is always the good chance that I don’t get accepted into the university (of Amsterdam). In that case, I have a back-up plan. At the SAE (also in Amsterdam) there is a study that I can do, which would last two years. I would be studying audio technology and how to use it properly. This is a beginning of getting a career in music. In the end, I would get a Bachelor of Arts degree, which would be awesome. Nevertheless, this is a back-up plan and I am not going to do this study if I have been accepted into psychology.

Figuring this out is very important to me, because I haven’t had a clue what I was going to do in life. I was one of the small children who answered “dunno” when they were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, while the other kids gave answers like “police officer”, “soldier” and even (*sigh*) “lawyer”. It’s still a vague future, but at least I have crossed off a few possibilities, by choosing a study.

hypocritical laughter

What personal qualities do I appreciate in myself and others?

Let me start by explaining that I don’t believe that I have strong personal qualities myself. That brings me to the first thing I like about myself. I have the ability to adapt in different groups of people. I know when to stand out, when it’s best to stay in the background, and how to act appropriately. That said, this is not a quality I value in others. I prefer it when others have noticeable characteristics and stay themselves, no matter who they are with, even if there’s a chance that they may appear ‘odd’. Even when it comes to some of the weird types I don’t like hanging out with, I still respect the fact that they are comfortable with their identity and don’t feel the need to change themselves around others. However, the reason I adapt myself to different people, is mainly because I like different kinds of people. I like the people who stand out, the people who stay low, and the people who act like they’re something (but really aren’t at all).

Another quality that I appreciate in others is the ability to smile, even when they aren’t feeling happy. I feel that when I feel bad about something, it all seems a little better after I have had a laugh about it (or about some other random subject). This might not work for everyone, but I like it when people try to make that effort anyway. It shows that they at least have some social skills.

There are also a few qualities I like that seem less appealing to other people. For instance, I like it when people tend to be a bit cynical. Not in the depressing way, but rather in a way that’ll make me laugh. Another example is mystery. I like it when people seem to be a bit mysterious. Not knowing much about them, allows me to make up a story about them in my mind. Usually, that tends to be far more exciting than their actual lives, but until then, that amuses me.

If anyone feels that there are some great qualities I’m neglecting, I would like them to comment (or even post a similar entry on their blog). I’m very interested in your answers.

All is lost

What do I want?

I’m going to go ahead and rephrase this question, so that my answer will be a little more specific:

What do I want right now?

This means that I’m just jotting down what I’m thinking at the moment. Simply said, what I want right now, is to get all my music back. Little over an hour ago, I decided to plug my mp3-player into my laptop, to play some songs I like (which is an everyday activity for every teenager). My mp3-player is of crappy quality and I have already made peace with the fact that it freezes every time I try to start it up. However, it still served as a perfect storage facility for my songs. I would plug it into the laptop and play my music from that location. This was practical, because my laptop has little memory space of its own. When I tried it earlier, all my files were missing. That means that OVER 850 SONGS had mysteriously vanished.

This depresses me in more ways than one. First of all, I can’t believe that my mp3-player has found three ways to screw me over (the screen is broken, it freezes before it starts up and now it’s pulling a ‘Houdini’ with my files). The next thing that troubles me, is the realisation that I have to download, organise and rename all the files I had before (if I can remember them). Also, I have to buy a new mp3-player to serve as little more than a memory card, and I simply do not have the money to do that.

There are obviously other things that I desire. The best examples would be:

1.                  A girlfriend

2.                  High grades

3.                  To get in shape

4.                  A good relationship with my friends

All these are very important to me, but at the moment, they are something that I have either not had, or not lost yet. That makes the whole ‘my music is missing’ thingy a little bit more important. I do not expect a lot of readers. Therefore I do not expect a lot of comments. However, I would like to ask others if they know a good mp3-player (which is affordable). Please do not recommend an I-pod, for I have an unexplainable principle which prevents me from buying one of those.

Not quite done yet

What have I done with my life so far?

I already explained my past activities in a previous entry. I will therefore interpret this question differently. Instead of simply stating what I have done in my life, I will accompany the statement with an explanation of why I did it, and what I have learned from it. I’m working in a chronological order here, so the first item was hard to remember. 

When I was six, I joined a choir at my local music school. I didn’t choose to do this. I was sent there by my parents, and left as soon as I was allowed to make some of my own choices. Luckily, that was the following year. What I learned from this experience is that a little white children’s choir is not my thing, and that I can’t sing. I also stopped going to church at this age (not that there is a connection, I just thought it was worth mentioning).

My parents thought that I should choose a sport early in life. They were thinking of football or tennis off course. I went in a different direction. I spent about seven years doing gymnastics. I chose a sport that would build muscle and would enable me to do some cool tricks. Fortunately, this was actually the case (sort of). I did get stronger over the years, and I can still do a back flip (not very useful, but fun nevertheless). I sometimes wonder if it would’ve been better if I chose football as a kid, for I’d be in better shape if I had done that. Then I look at my football technique (which consists out of minor juggling skills) and I realize that I made the right choice.

At the age of seven, my parents still felt that I should take up a musical activity. After giving it little thought (I was a seven year-old), I chose the guitar over the keyboard, because (get this…) I thought more guys would choose the keyboard, and I didn’t want to play the same instrument as them. Fail! Ah well, I still like the guitar just as much as I did back then, probably even more. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate all the techniques (of which I haven’t learned many yet) that are required to play my instrument well. So in conclusion, I am not disappointed in the instrument I chose.

In school, I have never been an excellent student. I’m not stupid or anything, I just can’t put myself through hours worth of mind numbing assignments and book chapters. My laziness is the cause of me being held back a year. Granted, I’m still doing the bilingual version of the highest educational stream in my school, but I could’ve advanced last year if I actually did some stuff. I chose the bilingual stream because it seemed easier to get taught in English (and it actually was). The only problem was that with most subjects, we had to switch back to Dutch after the third year. What I’ve learned in school: I hate school. Yet I will continue to go there, because my parents will kick my ass into oblivion if I don’t finish my education. That seems like a fair choice. School or death.

I am now seventeen, still in school, still playing the guitar and still practising back flips in my living room (just to see if I still got it). As you can see, it’s not exactly what I have done in my life, but what I am doing.

'Mr Nice Guy'

How do I treat others?

I never really gave this any thought. I feel like this is something that is easier to answer by someone who isn’t me. Of course I try to be nice, but I don’t know how my behaviour is perceived by others. Generally, I like seeing people smile, so when in conversation, I try to make them laugh. Sometimes I use jokes, other times I use light insults. Therefore, I do not know if I am seen as a nice and funny guy or a complete asshole. Both are possibilities, but I am pretty sure I’m liked by my friends, and by my close social environment.

My close family (so just in Holland) consists of my parents and my father’s parents. We’re a close family, and we don’t really ever argue (except if somebody can’t find the remote control or something like that). I treat my grandparents with the respect they deserve, with them being 86 years old and having lived a full life. I treat my parents with less though. I guess that’s mainly because I am a teenager and I always think I know best. I do realise that I don’t know better than these people who’ve had more life experience than me, but sometimes I can’t help feeling that way. I’m still a kind and civilized child though. No mood swings and no threatening disobedience.

I only see my distant relatives once in every three years, so whenever I get the chance to see them I make sure they know I appreciate them and love them. What makes that easier is that my family in America is a big black family. They make sure that I feel welcome as soon as I step in the door. I also have relatives in England. They’re also black, but in a British way. By that, I mean that there is no hip hop music, basketball or Kool-Aid involved. Even though that might seem like a stereotype, it does apply to my American cousins. I treat my English family with a certain formality (their accent makes me do that).

Old people (like my grandparents) deserve respect, so whenever I see old people walking in my neighbourhood, I make it a point to give them a smile and a nod, instead of the mean look that some kids have on their faces these days. Sometimes I stop for a second, and just have a normal conversation (there’s no reason for ignoring them). I’m quite uncomfortable around small children. That’s partially because they look at me with that bizarre ‘who are you?’ look. It’s also because I know that my mother is crazy about little kids, and I have to resist the urge to act like her, because I know it looks ridiculous (degrading baby-talk, exaggerated smile, touching faces, etc.). So basically, I keep my distance when it comes to small children.

So basically, the way I treat others is not far from the way I want to be treated myself. I want to be treated with respect, kindness and I want people to make me laugh. I’m not positive that I’m doing all of this myself, but I hope that it’s clear that I make an effort (how little that effort may be).

Future plans

What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

I’ve been fearing this question for it seems unanswerable to me. Sure there are a few things I would like to do later on in life, but if I’m completely honest with myself, none of those things seem attainable. Not all of it is as farfetched as wanting to be an astronaut or a self-made millionaire, but they’re still out of my league. A few examples on which I will expand:

-          Local performer in cafés or diners (when I say local, I mean Amsterdam).                     

-          Psychologist

-          Actor/comedian

To become a local performer you would probably need a few things in advance. The first thing would be talent. As I have stated before, I’m pretty much mediocre at anything I try, so I wouldn’t be the lead-singer and I wouldn’t be playing the lead-guitar, but I would make a nice background vocalist/guitarist. My plan would be to find myself a café in Amsterdam, which hosts my style of music (which I haven’t defined yet). There I would wait until I saw a talented solo performer who could actually use me in his shows. That way we could become a duo, and I would have an occupation and a meaning in life. This seems somewhat attainable, but if I would add ‘becoming famous, rich and loved’ I would be overreaching.

Psychology (it’s annoying how many times I spell that wrong) is still one my interests. I’ve been told many times that you need biology to study this. However, recently a friend of mine told me that you would only need biology to become a psychiatrist, as you have to study medicine as well. So maybe, there is still some hope of me going to university. The only issue I have with it is that I might end up feeling superior because I have studied people’s behaviour and can anticipate certain thoughts and actions. This would not only make me an annoying human being, it would also make me look ridiculous, as I am in no way superior to anyone. I have a ton of flaws. I am even proud of some of them, like being the sick bastard that I am (thanks Kylian!). Knowing how sick my mind can get, actually helps me separate the wrong from the right. The fact that I think about stuff, doesn’t mean I act upon those thoughts. Anyway, feeling superior as a psychiatrist is not necessarily what happens. It’s more of an idea I got from a well known sitcom, but who’s to say that there is no certain truth behind it?

Ok, I guess the actor/comedian profession is about as farfetched as being a self-made millionaire, but still… I can fantasize, can’t I? To be an actor, you need to be able to act (no shit Sherlock =P). The thing is, I always think I can act, but I probably can’t. There is no effective way for me to test it, so later on in life I will probably wind up at some auditions. The most realistic scenario is:

-          I step into the room

-          They welcome me and say “Lets start this dialogue”

-          I grab my booklet and read the lines without showing any emotion.

-          They look uncomfortable and say “That was enough, thank you. NEXT!”

-          I leave the room, knowing that I shouldn’t have come.

-          This will not however prevent from trying again at the next audition.

Being a comedian requires one skill: making others laugh. The only people who laugh at my jokes are my friends. Unless the whole audience consists of my personal friends, I think this profession is not the right thing for me. So what the fuck am I going to do with my life?

I have no clue, whatsoever.

What's missing?

What have I been avoiding in life?

This question makes me think about the things I’m missing in life. After getting over my fear of performing on stage, that hasn’t been on the list of avoided items anymore. Instead, the only thing that comes to mind is relationships. I haven’t exactly been avoiding those, but I haven’t made any recent leaps of faith either. To be more specific, I have made close to no effort to establish a relationship with girls. I hope this won’t be misunderstood. I can get along with girls just fine, even though I might have a reputation of being somewhat of a pervert (I’m not sure, since I have tried to stop making dirty jokes around girls for over a year now). The reason that I don’t make the necessary effort is because I am either too slow to understand when a girl likes me, or simply because I’m chicken.

When I say that I’m too slow, I mean that I can only figure out that a girl likes me, two years after she stopped liking me. That’s mainly because it takes about that long for her, or a friend or hers to tell me that this was the case. It is not until then that I am able to look back and see the signs that she was throwing at me. The result is usually that I feel like an asshole for ignoring her signs, and that she feels silly for not just telling me. This has happened to me about three times by now.

I think that it’s quite obvious what I mean by ‘chicken’. Still, I feel I have to elaborate. When I like a girl (it happens pretty often, though love is never involved), I try to read any signs that could imply that she likes me as well. The thing is, for me, the sign has to come close to a literal ‘sign’ saying “I like you!” before my mind is able to notice it. Until then, I will remain too (again with this word) ‘chicken’ to do anything about it.

There is one more factor that prohibits me from getting a girlfriend: boyfriends. This is a thing about myself of which I am not proud. When a girl, who I am usually not particularly interested in, gets a boyfriend, I automatically start looking at this girl in a different way. It’s not exactly “Hey! She’s taken. Now I want her, because I can’t have her.”, but I do realize that some men think like this. Actually, what I do is trying to see what her boyfriend sees in her. If I find out that she has some great qualities about her, then I might start liking her, though this doesn’t happen very often. When this happens, I turn into the silent jealous type, I smile in the couples’ faces, but quietly wish I was the one of those guys.

Wow, that last paragraph made me sound like a pathetic little man, didn’t it? I guess that sometimes, I can be. I’ve also had some good moments though. I have willingly given up girls, because I know that some other guy wants (and deserves) them more than I do. This doesn’t help my case a lot, but it gives a certain feeling of satisfaction, nevertheless.

Anyway, I’m not in a great hurry to get into a relationship. When it comes to life experience, I just want to beat my dad’s age. I’ve kissed two girls now, which is not a lot, but I beat my dad’s first kiss by two years, and I have about five years to beat my dad’s first relationship. To be fair, he picked my mom as his first (and only) relationship and they still love each other, after about thirty years, so he did pick his first girlfriend well.

Now that I have given it some thought, there are two more things that I tend to avoid. The first being schoolwork (which has resulted in me being held back a year). The second thing is thinking about my future. I have never given a lot of thought to what I will do after school. That’s probably because I’m afraid of having to choose my own future. In school, other people tell you what to do all the time. You can choose not to do anything, but they do give you clear guidelines in life. After school, I will have to decide for myself what my path will look like. I can’t even start imagining how I will probably waste my life, since I have no form of discipline, whatsoever. Therefore, I usually just don’t think about it. Seems like a stupid thing to do, right? Well, that’s how I roll.

accomplishments

What has been my greatest accomplishment so far?

Granted, this question would be better suited for a person in his or her mid-thirties, as they have had more time to actually achieve things. However, I will still try to think of an adequate answer, by exploring all of my past activities. Just to make it a tad more structured, I will first list my activities, after which I will dedicate a short paragraph to each activity (except for choir) in order to find out if I have any achievements at all. Lets start with the list (by the way, s.i.p. stands for still in progress):

Activity	Age	Notes
Gymnastics	6-14	Physically, my best years
Choir	6-7	Can’t remember this activity
Acoustic Guitar	7-17 s.i.p.	Should’ve practised more
Stockboy job	15-16	Boring
Electric Guitar	15-17 s.i.p.	Finally, something interesting
School	4-17 s.i.p.	Zzzzz!

For nearly eight years I was allowed to call myself a gymnast. Of course I wasn’t great, but I was able to perform some mediocre tricks and stunts, such as handstands, cartwheels and  various flips. In total, I have won 14 gold medals, 7 silver medals, 8 bronze medals, 3 trophies and a runner-up trophy. I was particularly good at floor exercises, which were responsible for about 6 gold medals. The exercises that usually got the best of me took place in the still rings. I was a fairly strong child, but not strong enough to keep on carrying the weight of my gut for a long period. My most treasured gymnastics performance was probably when I first entered a competition. I was eight years old (at most) and my sports club had a gymnastics competition. Of course there are age classes, but there was also a trophy reserved for the person with the highest score. I beat everyone in my age class, and then proceeded to win the trophy as well. At the time, I didn’t take into account that it’s more difficult for older boys to get high scores, but it was definitely an enjoyable occasion.

My acoustic guitar lessons and the guitar itself have cost my parents a small fortune over time. They didn’t mind because they seemed to enjoy my performances. That’s what parents do, isn’t it? They support you in everything you do, as long as they think it will help you grow as a decent human being. Any step in the good direction makes them proud as hell. I was never really good, but I practised and worked hard to become a mediocre guitarist. I can play some nice tunes, like ‘Hey there Delilah’ and ‘Dust in the wind’, which are songs I wouldn’t actually listen to normally. I have had multiple performances with my acoustic guitar. I have had solo’s, duets with other guitars, quartets with other guitars, duets with violins, etc. However, the performance of which I am most proud is the one where I play and sing ‘Tears in heaven’ together with another guy my age. Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t great singers, but it felt so good to have our crowd (consisting of parents and their young children) listen to us, oh so carefully, and to receive such positive feedback afterwards.

My job as a stock boy at the local Albert Heijn wasn’t an exciting occupation. I had worked there for a year and a half before I decided I didn’t need the money anymore (on a another note, I’m completely broke right now). There was not an overflow of accomplishments in this area, but what I am proud of is the fact that I was able to push a shitload of shopping carts over the icy outside ground in January, for about three weeks, without slipping, which is something my co-workers couldn't do. That’s the reason I was stuck with that chore for three weeks, but it still felt a little good.

I haven’t been playing electric guitar for a long time, so I haven’t really been able to experiment with different styles, in order to see what I prefer. Right now, I’m really into power chords, but I feel that it could become less exciting over time. So basically, I just learn the songs that the band I recently joined tells me to play. Right now, a few good ones are ‘Scar tissue’, ‘kryptonite’ and ‘use somebody’. By myself, I usually stick to ‘Sum 41’ songs. The biggest accomplishment so far is very recent. The band has just had an audition for an open stage night at our school. This doesn’t seem like much, but I’m pretty excited about it. It’ll be a chance for me to show people that I can actually do something. That is, of course, only if I don’t screw it up.

School has been the place where ordinary children get their best achievements. I, however, have only one achievement worth mentioning. In my third year of high school, my whole class had to take an English exam. We were told that this exam was pretty tough, and that we had to study our asses of for it. Of course I didn’t study for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel like it (which is usually the case). I just felt like it was unnecessary. There were two levels to the ‘Cambridge Exams’. The easy one was ‘First Certificate’, which was the one half the class took. The other half, including me, wanted to try the harder one, the ‘Cambridge Advanced Exams’. Actually, there was a higher level, but our teachers didn’t allow anyone to take it. We had to wait till our fourth year, before we got our scores back. There were two people who had received an ‘A’ for their ‘CAE’. I was one of them. Even though this test will never help me in life, I do feel that I have proven myself by taking it.

After re-reading all of this, I think that I can determine what my greatest accomplishment is. It has been the performance of ‘Tears in heaven’. I value this so much because I have actually confronted one of my fears during this performance, which is singing in front of a crowd. I’m not sure if I could (or should) ever do this without holding my guitar though. Not only has this performance given me a little self-confidence, it has also made me more interested in obtaining a career in the music industry. This is why this performance was such a life-changing and great achievement.

Am I Happy?

This question consists of only three words, yet the answer requires an unbelievable amount of thought. For instance, I have to define the meaning of ‘happy’. Does it mean that I’m merely satisfied/positive at this very moment in time, or does it mean that I’m so grateful for everything I have that I wish that nothing else would change around me, because it wouldn’t be able to get better. I decided to look the meaning of the word ‘happy’ up in my little Oxford Dictionary:

Happy /’hӕpi/ adj (-ier, -iest)

1 feeling, giving or expressing pleasure; pleased: I’m very ~ for you. ◊ a ~ marriage ◊ a ~ smile

2 used in greetings to express good wishes: H~ birthday!

3 satisfied that something is good or right; not anxious

4 willing or pleased to do something

Lets start dealing with the first meaning. Basically it questions whether or not I feel, give or express happiness. I’m utterly confused by the concept of feelings, so I’ll move on to the giving and expressing. Whenever I see something good happen to another I usually feel sincere happiness for them, and I try to mention it to the people themselves. I think this is what is meant by giving happiness. Of course I do get jealous often enough. For instance, I like seeing people get into relationships, but it makes me realize that I have never been in a relationship myself. Therefore, I’m happy for something I haven’t experienced myself, which has the effect of making me jealous. Also, I try to express happiness in everyday social habitats such as school, but this seems to tire me and has the effect of making me less happy by the minute. Besides with the four people I sincerely like hanging out with, I have to fake a smile approximately seven hours each workday, which is the time I spend at school.

The second meaning of the word has nothing to do with anything personal, so I’ll just ignore that one. The third meaning is worth discussing though. Am I satisfied that things are good and right? I don’t think so. Sure, everything in my life could be a lot worse. I could have had no education, no friends, no money and no looks. Instead, I have an extra year of education (which is going to make it a total 15 years), a few real friends (who I have to separate from the people who secretly dislike me), a small amount of money (which can’t be more than thirty euro’s by now) and I’m pretty sure I’m not ugly (even though the only people who will confirm that are sympathetic women and my mom). As you might’ve noticed, things could be better.

The fourth meaning of the word refers to your willingness to do a particular something. As I am generally not eager to do anything at all, I can easily state that this meaning of the word does not describe me.

In conclusion:

I have learned that I am not happy. However, I know I’m not sad and I often despise the people who are depressed at this age for no good reason. That leaves me with this last question about my emotional state:

What am I?

Primarily, I’m just confused.

Questions

Hello again!

I figured that the easiest way to start writing, is by asking myself questions and answering them in the following paragraphs. After trying to find the right questions to answer I discovered that I wasn’t able to formulate any type of question that would give me enough writing material. My undeveloped mind is even too simple for an easy task like this (I guess becoming a journalist is out of the question then). Anyway, there is a simple solution for this problem. I’ve decided to ask my friends (and later on probably others) if they know any difficult questions which would allow me to actually explore my own mind and my current issues (not that there are many). So far, I have asked a few friends to help me out. They came up with the following questions:

Am I happy?

What has been  my greatest accomplishment so far?

What have I been avoiding in life?

What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

How do I treat others?

What have I done with my life so far?

What do I want?

What personal qualities do I appreciate in myself and others?

My plan for this diary is to answer one of these questions a day (continuously adding new questions to my list). My first question, however, is not listed above.

What do I wish to accomplish by doing this?            

As I have mentioned in my introduction, I wish to gain inspiration from this. Not necessarily just for writing music. I feel like this is an efficient way to get to know myself better. By doing this I hope to learn what I want from life, what I’m doing wrong at the moment, and if I have any chance of getting a desirable future. With all the things I learn about myself I not only hope to understand myself, but the human mind in general. What sparks a person’s creativity, and sets them apart from the rest? How would others experience the situations I have been in and would they (re)act the same way? These are mainly psychological questions, but that is one of my (declining amount of) interests. Furthermore, I wish this’ll help me gain inspiration on what to do with the rest of my life, as I have no clue what will become of me after my time at school.

This is me!

Hello there!

I feel like I can have enjoyable and productive one-way conversations with you. First I shall introduce myself, because I so rarely get to do that properly.

My name is Daniël Tiggelovend. The two dots on the ‘e’ in ‘Daniël’ indicate that my name is officially pronounced in the Dutch way. However, the people who know me well, who there are very few of, know that I prefer the English pronunciation, as I speak English for the majority of the time. I’m thinking about changing my registered name when I turn eighteen, by removing the dots from the ‘e’. Then I might have a chance of seeming less Dutch. As you might have guessed by now, I live in Holland (born and raised). The only reason for me speaking English all the time is because I was taught English by my mother before I entered my Dutch primary school. She did this because she was raised British herself (even though she was born in Jamaica). This means I am entitled to say I am half Jamaican, without being able to even fake the Jamaican accent. I’m black, but light skinned, due to my white Dutch father. I haven’t encountered any forms of racism over the years that made me particularly angry. People sometimes make stupid jokes, but that just makes me laugh at their ignorance.

My childhood wasn’t hard at all, but it was very vague, because I couldn’t understand anyone around me until I learned how to speak Dutch properly. Because I was young, I picked up the language quickly. My Dutch skills were adequate by the time I was eight. I did still have troubles with grammar, but that changed for the better in the following years.

At the moment I am seventeen years old, which (in Holland) is enough to drink beer, but not to drive a car. I don’t mind that, because I have nowhere to go right now anyway. Over the years, I have picked up two hobby’s. Neither of them have ever proven to be productive or even special.

My first hobby is one that 5 out of 10 people share: playing the guitar. I used to play Spanish melodies on my acoustic guitar, but since two years ago, I have developed an interest in playing rock tunes on my (borrowed) green electric guitar, Jade (whose name is obviously derived from its colour). So far, my amateurish skills have landed me a 2^nd guitar position in a high school cover band. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy playing with them and I think we sound pretty good. I’m just very pessimistic about getting anywhere with this, and I doubt that the other people in the band even want to continue playing after high school. Nevertheless, I will keep on smiling and nodding when they tell me to learn another depressing song so that we can rehearse for the once-a-year performance in school, which is basically a talent show without any form of competition.

My second hobby is sure to get me nowhere, let alone impress anybody but myself: singing along with my favourite songs behind my computer. I know that sounds like something you just do when you’re bored, or working on a project, or even just relaxing. Yet, I can spend hours at school, waiting to go home, put on some Motown, Soul and R&B and sing my lungs out. I spend hours doing it, all the while neglecting homework, household chores and of course, my social contacts. There is only one problem; I can’t sing! Even though it’s a major problem, I manage to overcome it by turning up the volume to a level, at which it is impossible to even hear my own voice. I have tried to flaunt my “vocal skills” in front of my friends. The friends who actually regularly perform on stage, mostly dancing and singing, are sympathetic enough not to break my spirit. However, the honest and serious friends are happy to confirm that my singing voice is not ready for an audience yet.

I don’t have much else going for me these days. I don’t do any sports and I don’t have a job. I used to do gymnastics, but soon after I discovered my love for food, I got to heavy for my wrists and had to quit. However, I have managed to get myself into physical state that is regarded by others as ‘not fat’ rather than ‘pudgy’. I also used to have a job at the local Albert Heijn, but I got bored of stocking shelves after a year and a half. After that, I’ve been gradually getting more and more broke. I now completely rely on my parents to get me food and booze, instead of being able to cope without them.

So why am I writing this, even though nobody will probably read it, unless I tell them to? I guess I’m searching for inspiration to write songs. I’m thinking of making that my third hobby. I’ll probably give anything that has to do with music a try before I reach my full-time-job age. That includes mixing music, a second instrument, and also rapping (even though I already know I suck at that). Anything that doesn’t have to do with music (and in most cases, comedy), will most probably not catch my interest at all. So, without possessing any sort of musical talent, I can say with some certainty, that I’m looking at a boring life full of crushed dreams.